When It Rains, It Pours

And I am not even referring to the weather!

I am not trying to complain, really. I do have everything I need to live, and I am thankful for that. But is just seems everything likes to break down at once! Our washing machine broke, our furnace is sounding funny and probably needs to be looked at, the light in our kitchen is hard to turn on and needs to be repaired, the water pump has sounded very angry lately, Clomid #6 failed and our car broke down today! All in the span of a week!

It can really put stress on a person. Thankfully we have a bit of money in savings, but not enough to fix everything that needs to be fixed. I guess God is just trying to get our attention. He wants us to trust Him with EVERY aspect of life, not just babies.

For Clomid round #7, we decided we are not going to stress about it. No OPKS, no temperature taking, no charting. I will take my meds, and we will let whatever happens, happen. We just cannot invest so much emotion again, it just takes too much out of us. We trust that God will bless us with a pregnancy when the timing is right.

On a higher note, Eric left me little sticky notes all over the house. He is gone tonight at a BCBC meeting, and he knows how much I hate to sleep without him even for a night, so he left notes all over to help me feel less lonely. They are all so sweet, pretty much the most awesome thing he has ever done. Funny how simple things mean so much! They made me cry, and miss him even more. Haha.

I Hate This

I got my hopes really high this time around. Too high. Deep down inside I knew better, but I just though if I stayed positive it would make a difference. But surprise, surprise, there is no magic formula. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, what you think or don't think. Sorry "The Secret", but you don't get what you want by thinking positive and imagining yourself having it!

My chart was perfect, so I though for sure it would be my turn this time around. Not the case. And the higher your hopes are, the harder the fall.

I just can't do this ups and downs game any more. I am sick of taking Clomid, has anyone really had success after 6 failed tries? We have 3 more rounds to try before our doctor will let us move on, and I just think it is wasting time. I know God can work a miracle, but I am not holding my breath any more. Maybe you think it is "bad luck" to say stuff like that, but I don't believe in luck. God will bless us with a baby when He is good and ready and there is nothing I can do to speed it up.

I just hate this feeling.

TRU 2010

This past weekend we had a EMC youth leadership retreat called TRU in Pinawa. It was a good weekend. The theme is Train, Refresh, Unite and I think we got that accomplished on the weekend.

Brian West was the speaker, and I really liked him. Him and I have similar world views I think. He had a lot of good things to say. The first night he asked if anyone needed prayer. I so desperately wanted to ask, but I was terrified. Eric was feeling the same way, and he raised his hand and asked for prayer for our infertility. It was hard at first to have that out in the open at the very beginning of the weekend. Of course I cried almost immediately. But it was good to get it out. Lots of people thanked us for sharing and said they were praying for us. We even had a guy talk to us that struggled with infertility for 7 years and now him and his wife have 3 kids. It was powerful, and very humbling. I don't want to burden other people by asking them to pray for me, but I am so thankful to have people I barely know praying for us! I can't wait to share good news with them!

Brian also said something that really struck me. He asked if there was any "tell it like it is" people in the crown. I raised my hand. Then he cautioned us to make sure we didn't have the mindset "Grace for me, justice for everyone else." And it hit me, I do have that mindset! So the last couple of days I have been pondering that, and I really want to make sure I change that. Although none of us are worthy of grace, God offers it to us all, and in that respect we all deserve it equally. No one person it more worthy of it than another person! Especially not me. I want to try to be more forgiving.

As for babies, the TWW kills me everytime. Am I or aren't I? Are these cramps implantation or gas? Is my stomach sour because of something I ate or is it the start of morning sickness? Am I going to the washroom more because I am on prednisone(it does make me CRAZY thirsty) or because I am pregnant? It is enough to drive a person nuts.

The upside of a TWW is that you can blissfully act as if you are pregnant, and it is fun.

Heartland Visit #2

Today we had our second appointment at Heartland. It was pretty uneventful. He told us it looks like the Clomid is working, and that he wants us to try it for three more months. (UGH) But he did add in prednisone, which I have never heard of using for fertility before, so at least we are trying something different. I did a bit of reading and it said that it helps a fertilized egg to implant into the uterus. It also helps reduce the amount of androgen (male hormones) in my system, which is a result of PCOS. If we are not pregnant by the end of the three more months, we will move onto something else. He didn't say anything about surgery this time, thank goodness, but he did say we would move on to an IUI.

I asked him about Femara and he said he only uses it if Clomid is not working for someone. And since Clomid is working for me, there is no reason to use Femara. He said it doesn't work any better than Clomid anyways.

SO.... I am not entirely dissapointed. I am glad to be adding in something else. I am in the middle of a TWW right now, and I am incredibly hopeful that this is our cycle. I guess we will see in a few weeks!

Thankful

When dealing with infertility, it is easy to focus on what I don't have and hard to be thankful for what I do have. But what I do have is everything I need. And for thanksgiving, here is a list of a few things I am thankful for!

• An amazing husband. I thank God for him everyday, because he really is perfect for me. He is kind, gentle, loving, caring, considerate and supportive. I know I am not always easy to live with, but he loves me unconditionally and always forgives my mistakes. I would not trade him for anything.
• A loving and caring family. I don't know where I would be without their love and support!
• All our friends! They are there to listen to our problems, they are praying for us, and they help us build decks last minute when we need it!
  
• My animals. They are my joy! I love being with them, doing activities like agility, running and riding with them.
• My job. I am glad I can work with animals all day long and get paid for it.
• It may not be fancy, but I am thankful for a home to live in that keeps me warm and clean! Even though I don't like our place, I am still thankful to have something.
• I am thankful for my health. Yes I do have PCOS that makes it difficult to conceive, but other than that I am pretty healthy. I am thankful for two legs so I can run, and a heart that can allow me to do it!
• I am thankful that we are able to pay our bills. There may not be a tonne left over after than, but we have enough to live on.

And most of all, I am thankful for a God that loves us so much that He sent his Son to die for our sins. It is because of Jesus that we are set free, so what more do we need?

Keeping Hope Alive

I have been fairly pessimistic about this 6th Clomid cycle. I had convinced myself that it was a waste of time and would never work anyways. Maybe it was an act of self preservation. Usually, the higher I let my hopes get, the harder I fall. So I completely wrote off this cycle, instead focusing on the future and what we would try next.

But something has changed in me the last few days. I am doing everything I possible can think of to conceive this month. I am doing my part, and the rest is in God's hands. I trust him. And with God all things are possible, so what right do I have to completely write off this cycle. Just because the last 5 rounds didn't work, doesn't mean that God can't work His miracles! Of course He can! So my hopes are high. I am excited. I am believe this cycle will be the one. And if God decided it isn't, then I know He will be there to catch me when I fall. He always is.

Also, I have been debating how much to share on my this blog. On my other one, I shared everything because I did not know anyone in real life, so not worries about information spreading. But if I share everything on here, it will be obvious when I am pregnant, even if I don't say it. I am not sure if I want everyone to know 4 weeks in, because with PCOS there is a higher risk of miscarriage. But I would really love to share everything. So for now, if you suspect anything, please don't spread it around until I officially announce something. Thanks!

With that being said, here we are, smack dab in the middle of Clomid round 6 with the craziest OPK positive I have ever seen! Woohoo! Keeping the dream alive!

Infertility Lingo

Eric informed me that he didn't understand a bunch of the abbreviations I used in my second last post and on my side bar. So I posted a list on my sidebar! There is many more I don't use, so I might be adding to the list as time goes on.

My Journey To Fitness: Month 3

Pounds to goal: 69

Acceptable Goal: Do TurboFire 6 days a week for 90 days and loost 20 lbs by Christmas.
Challenging Goal: Run for 45 minutes at a time, run a 5K and not get last.
Ultimate Goal: Loose 71 lbs, win a 5K. To be active every day. To make exercise a habit that I stick to.

What changes I have made this month: I stopped running. It was getting too dark in the mornings, and I am scared of the dark! There was no way I was going to run in the dark! So I ordered TurboFire, which is kind of like Turbo Jam, but intensified and includes high intensity interval training, which is supposed to be the best for fat burning. Actually it is alot like the p90x program, but instead of being focused on building muscle, it focuses on burning fat. I have also started taking metformin again. That in combination with starting to read Thin Within again has helped me to loose the weight I gained back since going off metformin.

What I have learned this month: That I get bored if I don't have a challenging goal to meet. Running wasn't quite as fun when I didn't have a set goal to acheive! I did run for 26 minutes at a time though.

What I want to change next month: Finish reading Thin Within finally, commit to exercising 6 days a week and NOT sleeping through my alarm! I also want to start going to be earlier, because going to bet at 12 and getting up at 6 just isn't cool. I would love to be in bed sleeping by 10:30, I think that is reasonable! I also need to spend less time on the internet, mostly obsessing over my infertility and what I can do to cure it!

Empty Arms

I just stumbled across this video. I could not have said it better myself...

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

More Infertility Stuff

I am tired of writing on two blogs. I have had a private one for all my infertility stuff, but I think I will stop writing everything on there and just write it all down here. I will be going into more detail. If you want to stop reading, that is understandable. I just added a timeline of our infertility history on my sidebar if you are interested. It is the same one that is on my other blog, so I thought I would move it over here.

This last month has been a rocky one for me. 12 days ago I found out that our 5th Clomid 50mg cycle did not work. I mean, the progesterone levels were great, 38, meaning I ovulated so the Clomid did it's job. I just don't understand how I am not getting pregnant if I am ovulating! I am starting to worry that there is something else wrong here.

We go back to the RE next week, and I am going to beg him to try something else before surgery. Surgery scares me and I don't want to go under or get my ovaries drilled into!

I feel like I have been in the middle of an emotional and spiritual battle lately. Most days I think so hard my head hurts. I am really making an effort to do what God wants rather than what I want. I am trying to be thankful for what I have and be content with that. But this feeling won't go away. I want a baby so bad that it physically hurts me. I just don't know how to push that desire aside. I am mourning the fact I will not be a young mother like I had always dreamed of, and that I may not be able to have the 6 kids I wanted, and that this has become so complicated. I want God to be all that I want and need. But this biological clock ticks so loud that I can't help but hear it.

We are starting to look into adoption. It take a couple years, so we want to get the process started now. I would really like to adopt internationally. We are still going to try for a biological child through the whole process. I would really like to adopt whether we have our own or not. There are just so many kids that need homes, but at the same time I know it will be a huge undertaking! Especially when they spend their first year or so in an orphanage.

Right now we are on our 6th and final Clomid cycle. I am also taking metformin, chromium, NAC and evening primrose oil. I am charting and using OPK's. I am doing everything and taking everything I possibly can to give us the best chance at conceiving this time. But my hopes are low. I don't think this will work. Can God make it work? Or course He can! Will he? I am just not feeling it this month. I am *SO* ready to move on to something else. Possibly a different type of medication or an IUI. I guess we will see what the RE says next week.