Thursday, February 26, 2015

On Babies

Before we had Tallet, I was quite open about our fertility treatments. As we were trying for Baby #2, we wanted to keep it on the DL for more of a semblance as a normal life. Well that has not worked out for us too well. I think that we have finally accepted that we will never have that kind of normal. This is normal for us.

So let's recap the last year or so.

Called Heartland in November 2013. Weaned Tallet and scheduled an IUI for late January.

IUI was cancelled in beginning of February because my body did not respond to meds.

In May, as I have written about before, I got overstimmulated with doubled IUI meds, so we converted to IVF. I ended up in the hospital with OHSS.

I took 3 months off for my body to heal from OHSS.  Mid-August we transferred our first embryo baby. We lost that baby.

Mid Sept, we tried another. We lost that baby.

Mide October, we transferred another. We lost that baby as well.

We were so devastated. We needed to take a break, plus we were going on a trip. So we decided to take a break from transferring until after Christmas.

Two days ago, we cancelled the transfer. I had been spotting for 2 weeks, and my uterine lining was starting to degrade. We were not willing to take that risk on another embryo baby. I was happy to cancel because of that. We will let my body have a normal cycle and then we will try again.

Frozen embryo transfers (FETs) can me medicated or unmedicated. We chose to do medicated because my body doesn't have a good history of being hormonally sound, thank to PCOS.

With a medicated cycle, I take an estrogen supplement (Estrace) for 10 days, to build my uterine lining. I go for an ultrasound at 7:30 AM at Heartland, and if everything looks good I start taking a progesterone supplement (Prometrium) for 5 days. And then we go in for a transfer. I have to go in with a VERY full bladder so my uterus is in the proper position. This is extremely uncomfortable, and the very worst part. Once the embryo baby is transferred, I get to go to the washroom. Then 10 days late I got for a blood pregnancy test (beta).

This whole cycle is exhausting to me. And SO much more difficult with a child. The appts are so early in the morning, We have to leave at 5:30. It makes it tricky to find a place for him. Usually we end up taking him to his Grandparents the evening before so he can sleep until a regular time.

So now, it has been over a year of fertility treatments, with no pregnancies.

I am devastated.

I am frustrated.

I am hopeless.

I feel like a murderer, transferring these babies that aren't making it.

I really struggle with mourning them. I feel stupid about it, because I cannot say that I have miscarried. I feel like I fulfill my blog name when I talk about it. I never got the chance to carry them. They were just gone so fast they never had a chance. I didn't get to know if they were boys or girls. How can I be so attached to such a young little life?

I struggle with bitterness, still. Hearing about new pregnancies is getting harder and harder. I hate that my life is becoming like this again.

Baby #2 has been way harder than Baby #1. I always though it would be easier.

It only helps me to appreciate Tallet more. I am so in awe that I get to be his mother. I get to be a mother. I am so very thankful for that.

But I am terrified about him being an only child. I was one for 15 years and it sucks. There is nothing better than a built in playmate. I want that so bad for him.

I am turning 30 this year. I feel like my clock is really ticking. We have been trying to have babies for 7 years. I should have at least 4 by now.

I know things could be 1000 times worse right now. But its just hard.


Gina said...

Hugs. I feel your pain. Love how open and honest you can be about this.♥♥♥

Pink or Blue said...

:( So hard. Sorry this is so rough.

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