Update!

I planned to post an update every week, but here I am with a  3.5 week old baby and only one post about it!

Life is so much busier than I had imagined. Having a baby is a lot of more work than I would have ever thought. Blogging is not my first choice when I have some free time.

Tallet is doing great, he is growing lots and changing almost every day. He does some big open mouthed smiles now that are super cute. Sometimes I think they are in response to me but other times I think they are a fluke.

We are cloth diapering a lot now, which is going good. Some of them seem to leak which is frustrating, but other times they don't. Still trying to figure out what works best with that.

My biggest struggle is still breastfeeding. It is extremely painful. I was in tears last night through pretty much a whole feeding. I am reading and reading and other women have this experience and they all say it goes away after a while. I am not sure how much longer I can do this for. I am taking advil and tylenol just to help reduce the pain a little bit. I dread feeding him, and I hate that I have to feel that way. It is supposed to be a bonding experience but I am just gritting my teeth and trying to make it through. I am going to see a lactation consultant tomorrow, and the doctor friday to make sure I don't have thrush. Both those appointment seem so far away and I don't know how I am going to make it to them. I want to breastfeed him SO badly because I know it is best for him and the most convenient, and the cheapest. But sometimes the idea of pumping and bottle feeding is WAY more appealing because of the pain. I guess that is a huge prayer request for me, that breastfeeding would be pain free.

I know I would be a lot less stressed out, and be able to deal with middle of the night feedings a lot easier if there was no pain.

Tallet also isn't sleeping well in his bassinet. I do not want a baby that sleeps with me, but the is the only time he gets good long sleeps. I have accidentally fallen asleep with him next to me in bed twice, and both times he slept for 5 hours at a time. It is not safe for him, and it is not great for my marriage for him to sleep with me. I wish there was some sort of alternative to the bassinet that he would be more comfortable in. Eric's cousin recommended a Rock 'n Play, but it appears they don't have those in Canada.

Tallet also is starting to sleep less and less during the day. He used to sleep for 2-3 hrs at a time in his bassinet during the day, and now it is an hour at most. I would like to get a comfortable sling so he can sleep with me, but my hands are still free to do what I want. I cannot sit around and hold him all day long for my own sanity.

I hope it doesn't seem like I am complaining, but these are my current struggles. I am so thankful to be able to experience these struggles, but it doesn't make them easier. I am afraid to talk to people about my struggles because I feel like they are just going to say "Well you wanted this for so long, so don't complain" or "Did you think it would be easy". Yes I wanted this, and no I didn't think it would be easy, but sometimes I would just like someone to be real with and to talk to. 

The Start!

I went in for some baseline CD2 bloodwork today. Actually it was CD3 because I forgot my forms at home yesterday. I also had to do a urine pregnancy test. Seems so silly when you are on CD3.

They called me an hour after I was at the lab to tell me the test was negative, and that I would be starting birth control on the 4th. I will take it for a whole month until January 4th. This is the very first step in our IUI and I am excited to be doing something, but not excited to be taking birth control pills. I really want nothing to do with those ever again, but I know they are necessary in this process.

In other infertility news, a woman that I know sent me an interesting Facebook message the other day. I had messaged her to ask if she wanted to host a Partylite show and that's it. In turn, she messaged me back and was wondering if we had ever considered that maybe it was God's plan for my womb to be closed and maybe it was for a reason. She was also wondering why the fertility treatments were so expensive and maybe we should check out how much they are in the US. She also mentioned that she wanted to tell me all this because she didn't want to be one of those people taking behind my back, as she has received some comments about me.

The first few things didn't bother me so much, but it was the fact that people are talking behind my back about my infertility. I am *SO* curious to know what they are saying! What is there to say about someone who is struggling. Do they think I shouldn't talk about it so much? Do they think I shouldn't pursue treatments? And why? Would they say the same things to someone who was sick? Like maybe it was God's plan for them to be ill and maybe they shouldn't go to the doctor?

NO! I firmly believe that God has blessed medical staff with knowledge and skills so that His people can be in turned bless through it! After all, God prefers to work through His children than on His own.

I told this lady to please let those people who have issued with what I am doing to give me a call. I would love to chat with them.

Today's Struggles

I'll admit, my posts have been a little superficial lately. I haven't really given myself much time to sit down and write a proper post.

Today I am struggling with frustrastion, bitterness and jealously. You think after all of this time I would be able to deal with these feelings properly. I should have enough practice. I probably need professional help. So please excuse me if this post feels rant-y.

I am frustrated because I feel no one understands me. Some people pretend to, but things they say let me know that they really don't get it. I am thankful for their effort to try though.

I am frustrated because I am always waitng. Waiting for 4 whole years. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting for an appointment. Waiting for the test results. Waiting for CD14. Waiting for 14DPO. Waiting for this pain to go away. Waiting for an answer. Waiting for some direction.

Right now is the middle of another baby explosion. It seems that alot of people like to announce their pregnancies in the fall. I already know of about 10, and I am sure there will be more. I SO badly want to be part of this one.

I can't stop thinking about how I can manipulate my circumstances for a different outcome. Like maybe if I change my attitude God will answer my prayer. Or maybe if I pray about this He will. Or maybe if I do this He will. Or maybe if I pray this way He will. Or maybe if I keep my mouth shut He will. Or maybe if I am extra nice to this person He will. Or maybe if I help out that person He will. Or maybe if I pray harder He will. Maybe if I share my struggle with others He will.

I know logically that God doesn't work like that. You cannot manipulate the maker. But I keep letting those thoughts run through my head.

Also I keep letting myself believe that it will be a special circumstance when I get pregnant. Like I will get to tell Eric on his birthday, or on fathers day, or our anniversary or something like that. Or now that we are getting a new place I will all of a sudden get pregnant because of that. Or when my friend gets pregnant I will to so we can be pregnant and have babies together. But none of that has worked out for me either.

I am so helpless. There is nothing left for me to do. I have tried it all. I am powerless. I cannot become pregnant on my own strength or will.

I am so thankful that is not the end of it. I am so thankful that there is a loving God who gives me hope. A hope for the future. A hope for a family. I have done all I can do, and now all that is left is to surrender it to God.

"Take it God. My infertility is in Your hands. I am done trying on my own. "

It Takes One - Updated

I guess I lied before. I didn't do it knowingly, but I lied.

I just takes one pregnancy announcement to send me spiralling into a pit of despair.

I didn't plan to be upset about the next announcement, but I still cried myself to sleep last night.

Just when you think you are going to be ok, it all comes flooding back. The sinking feeling. The sadness. The panic. The twisted stomach. The realization that you are hopeless. The people looking at you with pity. The people fawning and talking about this baby while they forget about your pain.

It shouldn't hurt this much. I should be used to it.

In October it will officially be 4 years of waiting for us. And for them it happened "sooner than expected".

That makes me nauseous. No I am not just saying that, I actually feel ill.

How can something that is so excited for one person, be so incredibly painful for another?

Right now Eric is watching Juno, and Juno just said to the prospective adoptive mother about being pregnant "You are lucky it isn't you". You could see the pain on the infertile woman's face. I know that pain all too well.

Oh, Lord, please help me to be happy for them and to not act selfishly. And please, oh, please let the waiting list seem short for an IUI.

Update -Right after publishing this post, AF showed up. Literally 2 minutes after. YAY

Broken Dreams

My uncle gave us a new oven. It is not brand new, but it is probably 10-15 years newer than the one we have. It looked lovely. I was so excited to start using it.

On the way home, because it did not get tied down, it fell in the back of the truck and the glass faceplate shattered on the road. We have the knobs and everything. It probably still works but we don't know which way is high or low, which dial is for which element, and how hot the oven would be. It is also pretty banged up on the outside.

I was so close. For 15 minutes I had a beautiful stove. Too bad I never got the chance to use it.

Sometimes it seems like we get nothing easy. Like everything is a struggle and we get all the bad luck. Like all I ever get is junk and I will never have anything nice.

And then I am reminded....

I own my home.

I have a comfortable bed.

I have a cool house in the summer and a warm house in the winter.

I own an oven that I can cook food in.

I have a fridge to keep things cold.

I have enough food to keep me full.

I have indoor plumbing.

I have electricity.

I have a nice car that gets me where I need to go.

I have clothes and shoes.

I have a wonderful husband who loves me.

I have amazing family and friends.

I get to live out in the country.

I have all the animals I want and they are well taken care of.

I have all the electronics that I could ever wish for.

I have a good job.

I have fresh food growing in the garden.

I have beautiful flowers outside in my yard.

I could go on and on. The blessings never end.

But most importantly I have a Jesus who died for me and a God who loves me. He loves ME!!

And I am thankful every day for the blessings in my life. There may be a lot of things I would like, but I have everything I need.

Baby Names

Each time someone I know has a baby, I get a little nervous. Not because I am jealous they are pregnant, I have gotten over that. But because I am paranoid they will "steal" our baby names.

Naming is one of my favorite things to do. I always name all of my puppies, so I have done alot of searching. And each name is carefully picked out. For my dogs too. I am always keeping an eye out for a cool name on TV and in magazines, even at work! It usually takes me days if not weeks to pick out a name for my animals. Paris is from a magazine. Fleury is from a file I saw at a vet clinic in the city. Remy is from searching French names. Maeve and Finn were from searching Irish names. I wanted to name a cat Sevens far before I was ever looking for another cat.

I always try to pick names that I really like, and can see myself liking for a long time. I am also careful that I don't name them something I might want to use for a child one day. And so far, it has worked out. I still love all of my animals names! The only exception is Paris. I think I little girl named Paris would be so cute, but Eric doesn't agree.

Anyways, the point is that I have taken a lot of time (I mean, I have had 3.5 years of waiting to think about it) to pick out my baby names. Eric and I have pretty much decided what they will be, for first names anyways. We have no middle names picked out at all. I would be crushed if someone else used them before we get the chance to. I don't tell anyone them, not even family!

Growing up a Lindsey, with at least 3 other Lindseys in the same small town of 600(all spelled different of course), I know I want my children to have unique names. Not weird really, just unique. And to me, taking a regular name and spelling it weird is not unique. I also grew up with people spelling my name wrong all the time, mostly Lindsay. And I don't want my kids to have to deal with it as much as I did. I still think my spelling is the correct way, because people say Lind-SEE, not Lind-SAY. But that is besides the point. ;)

So because the names we have picked out are pretty unique, my hopes are that no one will use them before we do. But there is always that chance. And this nervousness will probably not go away until I finally get to use them! I pray that is soon.

Good Riddance 2010

I am happy to see 2010 go. I can safely say it was the worst year of my life. Not that anything majorly bad happened, but nothing life changing happened either. I feel like I didn't get anywhere in life. I feel like I am in the same spot I was a year ago when I was saying goodbye to 2009.

If I could sum up 2010 in one word, it would be struggle. I feel like I have struggled in so many areas. I struggled to get fit and get into an exercise habit, here I am and I haven't exercised in two months. We struggled financially, I went back to work full time and we cancelled our trip to BC. I sure loved working part time, it was ideal. We struggled to conceive a child, after 8 cycles of fertility drugs, I still have an empty womb and an aching heart. I struggled with my relationship with God, trying to grow closer to Him, loving Him as much as I can, trying to live a life that pleases Him. I struggled with myself, trying to figure out if the person I am is the person I want to be.

I know I am focusing on all the negative right now, but I need to mourn. 2010 was a very hard year for me. I am hoping and praying that 2011 will be dramatically different, in a good way. I am nervous about more disappointment, but excited for new possibilities.

My resolution this year is to not just sit around waiting for life to happen. I am going to make life happen. I am going to have an amazing year, and when I sit here next year and write my review of 2011, it is going to be awesome. I am going take advantage of the time Eric and I have while it is just the two of us. Going to Disneyworld is sure a great start! I leave in 14 days!! Eric leaves in 19!

Blessed

It has taken a long time to get to this point. I have seen other people write this in their blogs, but I just couldn't believe it for myself. But now I can.

We have been blessed with the challenge of infertility.

In the beginning, infertility seemed much more of a curse than a blessing. But God has been revealing to me that indeed, it is a blessing. This verse from the last post really hit home.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV) – “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Wow! I need to be thankful no matter what struggle I am going through because it is God's plan. God is in control!

I am thankful for the challenge of infertility because:

• It has brought me closer to my husband.
• I am aware of what millions of other couples have and are going through. If I wasn't experiencing this myself, I could have easily turned into a person that made insensitive comments to people who are struggling with infertility.
  
• I will appreciate my children a whole lot more than if I didn't experience this. Honestly, there is a strong possibility I would have complained a lot about it had it come easily. God knows us a lot better than we know ourselves!
• This has forced me to rely on God and want Him to be the center of my life.
  
• I have a better relationship with God, and a better understanding of Him. I was a whole different person 3 years ago when we first started TTC, and I have to say I like today's person a lot better.
  
• I wasn't ready to be a mother 3 years ago, now that I look back.
  

And so much more I probably haven't even realized yet!

Thankfullness

I guess this has a lot to do with my last post.

It is really hard for me to see people being ungrateful. Especially when it comes to pregnancy/kids. It is like it is a surprising fact to find out that pregnancy is uncomfortable, labor is painful and parenting is difficult. Yet I am not innocent in this. There is SO much that I am ungrateful for, and I pray I can change that.

Psalm 107:1 (NIV) -”Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.”

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV) – “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Colossians 4:2 (NIV) – “Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.”

Colossians 3:15 (NIV) – “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”

Psalm 69:30 (NIV) –“I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.”

Mmmm, those verses are delicious! They are my prayer!

Pride

I have really wanted to write this post for a long time. It is something I have been thinking alot about lately.

I will come right out and admit it, this started out with the infertile in me being upset about what some mothers said. But now that I have been thinking about it, and talking about it with people, it really applies to everything!

The comments that got me thinking about it were "I am so proud to be a mother" or "I am proud of my kids". Especially those copy and paste Facebook status'. When I told Eric that he rolled his eyes, and you might too, but hear me out.

Is it really ok to be proud of anything? Doesn't God tell us time and time again not to be proud, but to be humble? After all: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud". 1 Corinthians 13:4

Eric tried to argue with me that boasting was not ok, but pride was because there are different. But that verse says that love does not boast and is not proud! So even if they are different, neither is a loving thing to do.

Proverbs 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom

Pride is hurtful. It hurts me when I see or hear those comments. Makes me think:

Why are you proud of that?

Isn't it God who blessed you with the ability to have children?

Should you instead be thankful of that blessing?

Isaiah 66:2
Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?" declares the LORD. "This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word."

God is responsible for all the good things in life. If we are going to boast about anything, it should be about God and what He has done for us.

2 Corinthians 10:17-18
Let him who boasts boast in the Lord. For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.

I am guilty of this in other areas of my life. I know I have boasted about my husband a lot. But I still have many friends that are waiting for their Mr. Right (or Mrs) to come into their lives. How does that make them feel when I go on and on about my wonderful husband when they are so longing for one of their own? Probably not very great. Probably hurtful. My husband was a gift from God, not something I deserve or can boast about. I am SO thankful God has blessed with with him. If it weren't for God, I wouldn't have Eric, so all the glory is God's.

Another case is my dog Paris. She is a fantastic at agility, and I was proud of her. Very proud, and I boasted a lot about how good she was. How would that make other people feel with dogs that are much harder to train? They work so hard with their dogs, but aren't seeing the results. I would be discouraged!Instead I should be thankful that God blessed me with a dog that is easily trained, healthy and willing!

Also, I was very proud of myself when I was able to run for 20 minutes. But what about the people who can't walk, who are in wheelchairs, who have no legs, who have back injuries? How would me boasting about that make them feel? Instead I should be thankful that God has given me two legs that can run, and lungs that can handle it!

So lately I have been very aware of my pride and boasting. I am choosing to thank God more often. It has made me realize how many things there are to be thankful for. Sometimes I get so down trodden because of infertility, it seems like I have been blessed with nothing. But the opposite is true. I have many, many blessing to be thankful for, and need to be thinking of what I do have instead of what I don't have. Definitely easier said than done.

Money is fun, no?

Just when you thought I couldn't get any more transparent....

I am in a rough spot right now. Everything seems to be going wrong. It feels like we just can't get ahead. Some of it is because of bad decisions we (well, I) have made and some of it is out of my control. Nonetheless, I really feel like God is shaping me right now, and boy, does it hurt. I am hoping and praying I come out of this a better person.

As for bad decisions, I have failed miserably in the financial portion of life. Let's be honest here, we are pretty broke. We do make enough money to pay our bills and stuff, but I have badly managed my money for too long. I have begged Eric to manage our finances, but he doesn't really want to. I confess, up until about 6 months ago I had a "Buy now, pay later" mentality about money. What a huge mistake. I am not any further ahead, in fact, I am quite behind. I have a whole lot a debt and not a whole lot to show for it. I am also guilty of just buying whatever I want, whenever I want it. I never really had any restraint or budget.

About 6 months ago I started using BudgetTracker.com to keep track of our finances. I made a budget on there, and I can add transactions one at a time and select the catagory for it to go under. I have tried using spread sheets, but that makes it really hard to keep track of every transaction you do. I LOVE Budget Tracker. It is so easy to use. It was exactly what I wanted and needed. I think I paid around $40 for a membership, and it is worth it.

We used to live paycheck to paycheck. Sometimes I couldn't pay bills on time because I was waiting for the next check to be deposited. But now, instead of tracking my money and bills in my head by seeing how much is in our account, I go by how much is left in our budget on Budget Tracker. It has been a saving grace, so to speak. Now we always have enough of a balance in our account to pay our bills on time.

We had even managed to get some money into savings, but now that is gone thanks to vehicle repairs. And we still have other bills to pay and more repairs that need to be done to the vehicles and to the house. We just don't have the money for that stuff, so I decided to pick up as many Saturday shifts as possible. That means I will be working 6 days a week. I will also be doing as many Partylite and Lia Sophia parties as I can book (PLEASE have one for me). I got us into this mess, so I am going to try my best to get us out. Eric has also been doing some extra jobs here and there. These repairs have been needed for a long, long time( I haven't had electricity in my bedroom for probably over a year). We have just been putting them off because we didn't have extra money for it.

I am starting to realize that maybe God won't let us have a baby just yet, because He knows we can't afford one until we get this stuff under control.

My prayer is that we will learn to be good stewards of the money God has blessed us with.

Yes, I have learned things the hard way. Seems to be my favorite way to learn things.