1000th Post - Small Encouragements

Wow. This is the 1000th time I have written something here. Let's take this time to pause and remember all the great posts I have written…

Moving on…

Today I was expressing my frustration to Eric about my diet. Not in the terms of diet plan. but in the terms of the sum of the food I consume in general. I really struggle with this. I enjoy eating healthy, and for the most part I do eat very healthily, especially lately.

But in times of stress, I eat sugar. Candy, cupcakes, etc. I can't seem to control that part of my diet. I have great restraint most of the time, but one unexpected bill. One broken glass. One argument. One ruined sewing project. One negative feedback from my businesses and I am heading for the cupboard for a sweet treat. A lot of sweet treats.

I was telling Eric that I am destined to be forever fat. I will never be able to control this. I might as well give up and just live my life.

Then I picked up my bible. I have this grand plan of reading it front to back again, this time with the NLT. I haven't been getting a far fast. But today I decided I was going to sit and read it for a while. The first thing I ready was Genesis 15 - 18. In it God promised Abram he will have a son. Sarah laughs at the thought of it, being an old woman past the childbearing age. I feel like Sarah most of the time.

I have always looked to this story as encouragement when struggling with infertility. But today I saw it as hope in a desperate situation, any situation. God does promise that I will triumph over this struggle. God does care about it.

It really is true that the devil is the king of opportunism. His negative ideas spread like a virus to the point that you don't think you can recover. He fills your mind with "never", "can't", "you're not worthy", "nobody cares", "give up" and the like. He tries to validate your negativity and he wants you to believe it as truth. But it is not truth. It is lies.

I can triumph over this struggle. I am always looking for the right diet plan, exercise, book, or article that will cure me. That will get me over this. I am always trying to do it alone. Today I was reminded that I cannot do this alone. I need God.  I will always need God.

I didn't go to the Bible to find answers to today's problems. Today's problems were a kick in the pants to read the Bible again. It just so happened that I found the answers I needed anyways. God is cool that way, He meets you where you are and lifts you up.

"We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. Everyone, overcome" - Jeremy Camp

Because Of Your Prayers....

.... I got to see this on Tuesday morning.

And on Thursday afternoon I had beta HCG results of 415!

I think I am still in shock. I can't believe the IUI worked on the first try. 

It kinda reminds me of one of the time Peter was in jail. The church prayed and prayed and prayed for him to be released, and when he showed up on their doorstep they didn't believe it was him! 

I kinda feel like that.  So many people have prayed for this, so why I am I having such a hard time believing it! 

I feel so incredible blessed, humbled and thankful. God is SO good. His timing is perfect. His plans are better than ours. Praise God for being so amazing to us. 

Today's Struggles

I'll admit, my posts have been a little superficial lately. I haven't really given myself much time to sit down and write a proper post.

Today I am struggling with frustrastion, bitterness and jealously. You think after all of this time I would be able to deal with these feelings properly. I should have enough practice. I probably need professional help. So please excuse me if this post feels rant-y.

I am frustrated because I feel no one understands me. Some people pretend to, but things they say let me know that they really don't get it. I am thankful for their effort to try though.

I am frustrated because I am always waitng. Waiting for 4 whole years. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting for an appointment. Waiting for the test results. Waiting for CD14. Waiting for 14DPO. Waiting for this pain to go away. Waiting for an answer. Waiting for some direction.

Right now is the middle of another baby explosion. It seems that alot of people like to announce their pregnancies in the fall. I already know of about 10, and I am sure there will be more. I SO badly want to be part of this one.

I can't stop thinking about how I can manipulate my circumstances for a different outcome. Like maybe if I change my attitude God will answer my prayer. Or maybe if I pray about this He will. Or maybe if I do this He will. Or maybe if I pray this way He will. Or maybe if I keep my mouth shut He will. Or maybe if I am extra nice to this person He will. Or maybe if I help out that person He will. Or maybe if I pray harder He will. Maybe if I share my struggle with others He will.

I know logically that God doesn't work like that. You cannot manipulate the maker. But I keep letting those thoughts run through my head.

Also I keep letting myself believe that it will be a special circumstance when I get pregnant. Like I will get to tell Eric on his birthday, or on fathers day, or our anniversary or something like that. Or now that we are getting a new place I will all of a sudden get pregnant because of that. Or when my friend gets pregnant I will to so we can be pregnant and have babies together. But none of that has worked out for me either.

I am so helpless. There is nothing left for me to do. I have tried it all. I am powerless. I cannot become pregnant on my own strength or will.

I am so thankful that is not the end of it. I am so thankful that there is a loving God who gives me hope. A hope for the future. A hope for a family. I have done all I can do, and now all that is left is to surrender it to God.

"Take it God. My infertility is in Your hands. I am done trying on my own. "

Broken Dreams

My uncle gave us a new oven. It is not brand new, but it is probably 10-15 years newer than the one we have. It looked lovely. I was so excited to start using it.

On the way home, because it did not get tied down, it fell in the back of the truck and the glass faceplate shattered on the road. We have the knobs and everything. It probably still works but we don't know which way is high or low, which dial is for which element, and how hot the oven would be. It is also pretty banged up on the outside.

I was so close. For 15 minutes I had a beautiful stove. Too bad I never got the chance to use it.

Sometimes it seems like we get nothing easy. Like everything is a struggle and we get all the bad luck. Like all I ever get is junk and I will never have anything nice.

And then I am reminded....

I own my home.

I have a comfortable bed.

I have a cool house in the summer and a warm house in the winter.

I own an oven that I can cook food in.

I have a fridge to keep things cold.

I have enough food to keep me full.

I have indoor plumbing.

I have electricity.

I have a nice car that gets me where I need to go.

I have clothes and shoes.

I have a wonderful husband who loves me.

I have amazing family and friends.

I get to live out in the country.

I have all the animals I want and they are well taken care of.

I have all the electronics that I could ever wish for.

I have a good job.

I have fresh food growing in the garden.

I have beautiful flowers outside in my yard.

I could go on and on. The blessings never end.

But most importantly I have a Jesus who died for me and a God who loves me. He loves ME!!

And I am thankful every day for the blessings in my life. There may be a lot of things I would like, but I have everything I need.

We Are Not Junk

This past weekend I was at SBC for Impact with our youth. The speaker played this video, and it was really moving. Aren't we all like this with God? We want Him to make us a better person, but we are hesitant because of the pain of His chiseling!

Blessed

It has taken a long time to get to this point. I have seen other people write this in their blogs, but I just couldn't believe it for myself. But now I can.

We have been blessed with the challenge of infertility.

In the beginning, infertility seemed much more of a curse than a blessing. But God has been revealing to me that indeed, it is a blessing. This verse from the last post really hit home.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV) – “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Wow! I need to be thankful no matter what struggle I am going through because it is God's plan. God is in control!

I am thankful for the challenge of infertility because:

• It has brought me closer to my husband.
• I am aware of what millions of other couples have and are going through. If I wasn't experiencing this myself, I could have easily turned into a person that made insensitive comments to people who are struggling with infertility.
  
• I will appreciate my children a whole lot more than if I didn't experience this. Honestly, there is a strong possibility I would have complained a lot about it had it come easily. God knows us a lot better than we know ourselves!
• This has forced me to rely on God and want Him to be the center of my life.
  
• I have a better relationship with God, and a better understanding of Him. I was a whole different person 3 years ago when we first started TTC, and I have to say I like today's person a lot better.
  
• I wasn't ready to be a mother 3 years ago, now that I look back.
  

And so much more I probably haven't even realized yet!

Keeping Hope Alive

I have been fairly pessimistic about this 6th Clomid cycle. I had convinced myself that it was a waste of time and would never work anyways. Maybe it was an act of self preservation. Usually, the higher I let my hopes get, the harder I fall. So I completely wrote off this cycle, instead focusing on the future and what we would try next.

But something has changed in me the last few days. I am doing everything I possible can think of to conceive this month. I am doing my part, and the rest is in God's hands. I trust him. And with God all things are possible, so what right do I have to completely write off this cycle. Just because the last 5 rounds didn't work, doesn't mean that God can't work His miracles! Of course He can! So my hopes are high. I am excited. I am believe this cycle will be the one. And if God decided it isn't, then I know He will be there to catch me when I fall. He always is.

Also, I have been debating how much to share on my this blog. On my other one, I shared everything because I did not know anyone in real life, so not worries about information spreading. But if I share everything on here, it will be obvious when I am pregnant, even if I don't say it. I am not sure if I want everyone to know 4 weeks in, because with PCOS there is a higher risk of miscarriage. But I would really love to share everything. So for now, if you suspect anything, please don't spread it around until I officially announce something. Thanks!

With that being said, here we are, smack dab in the middle of Clomid round 6 with the craziest OPK positive I have ever seen! Woohoo! Keeping the dream alive!