Good Riddance 2010

I am happy to see 2010 go. I can safely say it was the worst year of my life. Not that anything majorly bad happened, but nothing life changing happened either. I feel like I didn't get anywhere in life. I feel like I am in the same spot I was a year ago when I was saying goodbye to 2009.

If I could sum up 2010 in one word, it would be struggle. I feel like I have struggled in so many areas. I struggled to get fit and get into an exercise habit, here I am and I haven't exercised in two months. We struggled financially, I went back to work full time and we cancelled our trip to BC. I sure loved working part time, it was ideal. We struggled to conceive a child, after 8 cycles of fertility drugs, I still have an empty womb and an aching heart. I struggled with my relationship with God, trying to grow closer to Him, loving Him as much as I can, trying to live a life that pleases Him. I struggled with myself, trying to figure out if the person I am is the person I want to be.

I know I am focusing on all the negative right now, but I need to mourn. 2010 was a very hard year for me. I am hoping and praying that 2011 will be dramatically different, in a good way. I am nervous about more disappointment, but excited for new possibilities.

My resolution this year is to not just sit around waiting for life to happen. I am going to make life happen. I am going to have an amazing year, and when I sit here next year and write my review of 2011, it is going to be awesome. I am going take advantage of the time Eric and I have while it is just the two of us. Going to Disneyworld is sure a great start! I leave in 14 days!! Eric leaves in 19!

Christmas Gifts I Made

I meant to take pictures of everything I made, but I have been SO busy making all this stuff it slipped my mind and then all of a sudden everything was given away already! So I will just list them off:

1. Cinnamon Sugared Almonds
2. Chocolate Covered Coffee Beans
3. Vinatarta Cookies
4. Spicy BBQ Rub
5. Jamaican Jerk Rub
6. Fruited Vinegar
7. Basil Olive Oil
8. Oregano Olive Oil
9. Toffee
10. Tree Skirt for Eloa
11. 12 Placemats for my Mom
12. Knit Toques
13. Knit Mittens
14. Knit Slippers
15. Fabric Coffee Sleeves ( like the cardboard things)
16. Oven Mitts and Pot Holders
    
17. Lemongrass Olive Oil Body Scrub
18. Cucumber Bath Salts
19. Sugar Plum Bath Salts
20. Chamomile Mint Bath Salts
21. Grape Strawberry Lip Balm with beeswax, olive oil, shea butter and vitamin E.
22. Strawberry Limeade, Mandarin Mango, and Grapefruit bath bombs
23. Green Apple Shea Butter Soap
24. Warm Vanilla Sugar Shea Butter Soap
    
25. Turkey Jerky
26. Indian Paneer Cheese with hot Chillis
27. Rye Multigrain Cracker

Wow, when I write it out in a list like that it seems like a lot of different things! No wonder my life has been completely consumed in the last month by making gifts! Pretty much every spare minute I had, I made gifts. I truly did enjoy it, and I am glad I did it.

My favorite part was probably making the bath stuff, mostly the bath bombs! So much so that I think I would like to start selling them. We need to pay for our fertility treatments/adoption some how, so why not make bath stuff in my spare time. I could sell it at local craft shows and on Etsy! We will see...

I love Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus! I hope everyone had a fantastic day and was able to enjoy time with family and friends.

I was again reminded in the last few days of how blessed I am. I have a wonderful family and they are so good to us! I always feel accepted and loved when I am with them. I couldn't ask for more!

And the best Christmas present of all?!?! The arrival of AF! Thanks for making this the merriest of merry Christmases..... NOT. But, I will not let her bring me down, this Christmas was still amazing despite the failure of Clomid #8, only one more to go and then we can finally move on. At least I can still go on the rides at Disneyword. :)

Holiday Rabies Shot

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/8133783

This is hilarious, because it is so true.

Hi

I feel like I need to post something, but I am coming up empty! I would really love to post about all the stuff I am making for Christmas gifts, but I don't want to ruin it for anyone. I will say I am having fun and I am really glad I am doing this. I will post pictures and info AFTER I have given them all! I think making my gifts has really helped to put me in the Christmas spirit.

I haven't posted a lot about infertility lately. Mostly because I have been trying my best to keep it at the back of my mind. My friend Hillary over at Making Me Mom wrote a great post. Please check it out. I could not have written it better myself and it describes so much of my feelings of loss that are difficult to put into words. And probably even more difficult for people to understand. I hope that helps.

Learning

Sometimes I overwhelm myself with things I would like to learn to do. Here is a few things:

1. Play the piano well, and be able to read music.
2. Speak French, or any other language.
3. Edit HTML, design and some programming. I think it would be fun.
4. Crochet.
5. Make a real quilt, not a rag quilt!
6. Make soap.

But where to find the time! What kinds of things would you like to learn?

Clomid #8

Today I started taking Clomid again. This is cycle number eight at 50mg. Honestly and realistically, I don't think it is going to work. Of course God can work miracles and we will be praying hard for that. But after 7 failed cycles, I can't realistically expect it to work now. I think I will be skipping the charting and OPKs again this month, and for the next cycle as well. It was such a nice break to focus on other things than our infertility.

I booked an appointment at Heartland for January 28th. Dr. K said he wanted to see us back after the 9th cycle, or if we are pregnant. So by the 28th of January, I will either be done cycle 9, or pregnant, and either way I need that appointment. I am really glad I scheduled it now, because his next available appointment was January 10th. If I had left it until the end of cycle 9, we probably wouldn't have been able to get in until March! I just don't want to waste anymore time waiting around for an appointment. I feel like I am running out of time.

Happy Birthday Kiddo!

My brother, Korey, is 10 years old today! I remember the day he was born like yesterday. I am so thankful to have him as a brother. For years I hoped and prayed for a sibling, and I was thrilled when he finally came along. He is sweet, caring and kind and I have passed my love of animals on to him! Yay!


Today we drove up to the island for his birthday, and no one knew we were coming. They were very suprised and Korey was super excited that we were there! It was fun! We just stayed there for a few hours, but I really wanted to share his special day with him!

Love you buddy!!

For The Ladies

Men, you might as well stop reading now.

I have discovered one of the best inventions ever. The ThemaCare Heat Wraps. You know how you just want to lay on the couch with a hot water bottle or heating pad when AF comes for a visit? This is like a tiny heating pad that you can wear around for 8 hours! They are glorious, and I can't believe I didn't try them sooner. They are $9 for a pack of three, but I think it is totally worth it!

Christmas Gifts

This year I decided to hand make all my Christmas gifts. I love doing it, and it will save us money. And personally, I love getting home made gifts! Girls are pretty easy to think of ideas for, but I am not sure what I am going to make all the boys! I have a couple ideas, but I need to come up with some more.

Today I tried out a lip balm recipe. It is called Honey Kisses. I used honey and beeswax from Dahlen's bees! So far I think it turned out pretty good! But it still has to set properly, so we will see!

Clomid #8 Here I Come...

Today is CD 31. I am quite positive that AF will be unpacking her bags tomorrow. Which means Clomid #7 did not work. So far I have managed not to cry about it. Although I did cry twice today, once because I thought too hard about loosing my dogs and once because I am unbelievably lazy. Haha, must be the hormones.

It is easier this month, I think because I didn't get my hopes very high and I was not so obsessed with charting/temping and OPKs. It was much less stressful when I didn't have to worry about that stuff every day.

I am still crushed. Every failure brings me a little closer to the reality that I might never be pregnant. That is a very scary thought, and I have tried not to think too much about it. I still have hope, this is no even close to over yet. I am still convinced an IUI is what we need.

Make that three times, thanks TLC! LOL

Disconnect To Connect

A friend just posted this on Facebook. It is from a different country, but the message is universal!

We Are Not Junk

This past weekend I was at SBC for Impact with our youth. The speaker played this video, and it was really moving. Aren't we all like this with God? We want Him to make us a better person, but we are hesitant because of the pain of His chiseling!

Blessed

It has taken a long time to get to this point. I have seen other people write this in their blogs, but I just couldn't believe it for myself. But now I can.

We have been blessed with the challenge of infertility.

In the beginning, infertility seemed much more of a curse than a blessing. But God has been revealing to me that indeed, it is a blessing. This verse from the last post really hit home.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV) – “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Wow! I need to be thankful no matter what struggle I am going through because it is God's plan. God is in control!

I am thankful for the challenge of infertility because:

• It has brought me closer to my husband.
• I am aware of what millions of other couples have and are going through. If I wasn't experiencing this myself, I could have easily turned into a person that made insensitive comments to people who are struggling with infertility.
  
• I will appreciate my children a whole lot more than if I didn't experience this. Honestly, there is a strong possibility I would have complained a lot about it had it come easily. God knows us a lot better than we know ourselves!
• This has forced me to rely on God and want Him to be the center of my life.
  
• I have a better relationship with God, and a better understanding of Him. I was a whole different person 3 years ago when we first started TTC, and I have to say I like today's person a lot better.
  
• I wasn't ready to be a mother 3 years ago, now that I look back.
  

And so much more I probably haven't even realized yet!

Thankfullness

I guess this has a lot to do with my last post.

It is really hard for me to see people being ungrateful. Especially when it comes to pregnancy/kids. It is like it is a surprising fact to find out that pregnancy is uncomfortable, labor is painful and parenting is difficult. Yet I am not innocent in this. There is SO much that I am ungrateful for, and I pray I can change that.

Psalm 107:1 (NIV) -”Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.”

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV) – “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Colossians 4:2 (NIV) – “Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.”

Colossians 3:15 (NIV) – “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”

Psalm 69:30 (NIV) –“I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.”

Mmmm, those verses are delicious! They are my prayer!

Pride

I have really wanted to write this post for a long time. It is something I have been thinking alot about lately.

I will come right out and admit it, this started out with the infertile in me being upset about what some mothers said. But now that I have been thinking about it, and talking about it with people, it really applies to everything!

The comments that got me thinking about it were "I am so proud to be a mother" or "I am proud of my kids". Especially those copy and paste Facebook status'. When I told Eric that he rolled his eyes, and you might too, but hear me out.

Is it really ok to be proud of anything? Doesn't God tell us time and time again not to be proud, but to be humble? After all: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud". 1 Corinthians 13:4

Eric tried to argue with me that boasting was not ok, but pride was because there are different. But that verse says that love does not boast and is not proud! So even if they are different, neither is a loving thing to do.

Proverbs 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom

Pride is hurtful. It hurts me when I see or hear those comments. Makes me think:

Why are you proud of that?

Isn't it God who blessed you with the ability to have children?

Should you instead be thankful of that blessing?

Isaiah 66:2
Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?" declares the LORD. "This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word."

God is responsible for all the good things in life. If we are going to boast about anything, it should be about God and what He has done for us.

2 Corinthians 10:17-18
Let him who boasts boast in the Lord. For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.

I am guilty of this in other areas of my life. I know I have boasted about my husband a lot. But I still have many friends that are waiting for their Mr. Right (or Mrs) to come into their lives. How does that make them feel when I go on and on about my wonderful husband when they are so longing for one of their own? Probably not very great. Probably hurtful. My husband was a gift from God, not something I deserve or can boast about. I am SO thankful God has blessed with with him. If it weren't for God, I wouldn't have Eric, so all the glory is God's.

Another case is my dog Paris. She is a fantastic at agility, and I was proud of her. Very proud, and I boasted a lot about how good she was. How would that make other people feel with dogs that are much harder to train? They work so hard with their dogs, but aren't seeing the results. I would be discouraged!Instead I should be thankful that God blessed me with a dog that is easily trained, healthy and willing!

Also, I was very proud of myself when I was able to run for 20 minutes. But what about the people who can't walk, who are in wheelchairs, who have no legs, who have back injuries? How would me boasting about that make them feel? Instead I should be thankful that God has given me two legs that can run, and lungs that can handle it!

So lately I have been very aware of my pride and boasting. I am choosing to thank God more often. It has made me realize how many things there are to be thankful for. Sometimes I get so down trodden because of infertility, it seems like I have been blessed with nothing. But the opposite is true. I have many, many blessing to be thankful for, and need to be thinking of what I do have instead of what I don't have. Definitely easier said than done.

Back To Natural

I like to get my hair dyed in the salon. The color lasts way longer, and you don't get dye all over your face. arms and bathroom. However, it definitely isn't a necessity. Because we are trying to save as much money as possible, I decided to dye my hair at home. It is 1/4 of the cost and easier to schedule. And because not dying your hair at all is even cheaper, this time I dyed it my natural color. Hopefully when my roots grow out they will blend in and I won't have to dye it again. Eric keeps telling me he wants my to have my natural hair color anyways!

So here is before, of course it looks way worse because it just came out of a pony tail and my bangs out of a bobby pin!

And after! I love the color. I was born with dark hair, and I like it best that way! Thanks God. :)

EM Cup/Hockey

This past weekend I was in Steinbach with Eric for EM Cup. I love it. I love hanging out all weekend with the other wives/girlfriends and watching my man and his friends play hockey! Our boys had a pretty good team. They lost the firs two games in the last 5 seconds! The first game was tied until the opposing team scored with 4.5 second left, and the second game the other team scored with 0.5 seconds left! They went on to win their third game, but lost their fourth (last) game. You basically have to win all of your games to make it to the final game on Sunday. I think they played pretty well. All the games were pretty entertaining, much better than other years when they got blown away.

Speaking of hockey, I am going to try it out! I have always wanted to play hockey since I was little, but I haven't had the chance. Travis sold me some skates last year, and this weekend in Steinbach I got them heated to mold them to my feet and some insoles because they really hurt my arches! I am hoping it won't hurt too much to skate. This Thursday I am going to practice with the girls team in Riverton. I am so nervous. I have NEVER worn equipment before and I have only skated with a stick once! I am prepared to fall alot, and to be embarrassed. But hopefully after a few practices I will get the hang of it! If not, then at least I gave it a try!

Excited!

I know what you are thinking. Didn't I just post about money issues and now I am going to Disney World? Let me explain.

I am blessed enough to have a job that is sending me to the conference in Orlando. So yes, they are paying my way. And we plan to use Air Miles for Eric's flight. Weare hoping to get the passes for Disney World either for Christmas, or use Christmas money . And we are going to scrimp and save any extra money we have, which won't be alot. But even if we can only go to Disney World for a day, I will take it! I have dreamed of going there since I was a little girl! When I was younger I always watched my friends go, and then I got to hear about how much they loved it, knowing I would probably never get to go there until I payed my own way. I had a choice between Orlando or Las Vegas for conferences. I really have no interest in going to Vegas, so Orlando was an obvious choice!

I am so thankful for this opportunity. It gives me something to be excited about in the near future. It is a welcome distraction from all things infertility.

I Will Be Here In Two Months!

Yep, just like the ticker says. In 2 months, 5 days I am leaving for Orlando where I will finally get to go to Disney World! I have a Veterinary conference in Orlando, so I will be "working" for 5 days, but there will be 5 days left over to do fun stuff! I can't even believe this!

Just A Note

I have no idea what cycle day I am on, and it is great. Freeing. I love leaving my worries in God's hands! :)

Money is fun, no?

Just when you thought I couldn't get any more transparent....

I am in a rough spot right now. Everything seems to be going wrong. It feels like we just can't get ahead. Some of it is because of bad decisions we (well, I) have made and some of it is out of my control. Nonetheless, I really feel like God is shaping me right now, and boy, does it hurt. I am hoping and praying I come out of this a better person.

As for bad decisions, I have failed miserably in the financial portion of life. Let's be honest here, we are pretty broke. We do make enough money to pay our bills and stuff, but I have badly managed my money for too long. I have begged Eric to manage our finances, but he doesn't really want to. I confess, up until about 6 months ago I had a "Buy now, pay later" mentality about money. What a huge mistake. I am not any further ahead, in fact, I am quite behind. I have a whole lot a debt and not a whole lot to show for it. I am also guilty of just buying whatever I want, whenever I want it. I never really had any restraint or budget.

About 6 months ago I started using BudgetTracker.com to keep track of our finances. I made a budget on there, and I can add transactions one at a time and select the catagory for it to go under. I have tried using spread sheets, but that makes it really hard to keep track of every transaction you do. I LOVE Budget Tracker. It is so easy to use. It was exactly what I wanted and needed. I think I paid around $40 for a membership, and it is worth it.

We used to live paycheck to paycheck. Sometimes I couldn't pay bills on time because I was waiting for the next check to be deposited. But now, instead of tracking my money and bills in my head by seeing how much is in our account, I go by how much is left in our budget on Budget Tracker. It has been a saving grace, so to speak. Now we always have enough of a balance in our account to pay our bills on time.

We had even managed to get some money into savings, but now that is gone thanks to vehicle repairs. And we still have other bills to pay and more repairs that need to be done to the vehicles and to the house. We just don't have the money for that stuff, so I decided to pick up as many Saturday shifts as possible. That means I will be working 6 days a week. I will also be doing as many Partylite and Lia Sophia parties as I can book (PLEASE have one for me). I got us into this mess, so I am going to try my best to get us out. Eric has also been doing some extra jobs here and there. These repairs have been needed for a long, long time( I haven't had electricity in my bedroom for probably over a year). We have just been putting them off because we didn't have extra money for it.

I am starting to realize that maybe God won't let us have a baby just yet, because He knows we can't afford one until we get this stuff under control.

My prayer is that we will learn to be good stewards of the money God has blessed us with.

Yes, I have learned things the hard way. Seems to be my favorite way to learn things.

NEEDTOBREATHE - Lay 'Em Down (Video)

LOVE this song

When It Rains, It Pours

And I am not even referring to the weather!

I am not trying to complain, really. I do have everything I need to live, and I am thankful for that. But is just seems everything likes to break down at once! Our washing machine broke, our furnace is sounding funny and probably needs to be looked at, the light in our kitchen is hard to turn on and needs to be repaired, the water pump has sounded very angry lately, Clomid #6 failed and our car broke down today! All in the span of a week!

It can really put stress on a person. Thankfully we have a bit of money in savings, but not enough to fix everything that needs to be fixed. I guess God is just trying to get our attention. He wants us to trust Him with EVERY aspect of life, not just babies.

For Clomid round #7, we decided we are not going to stress about it. No OPKS, no temperature taking, no charting. I will take my meds, and we will let whatever happens, happen. We just cannot invest so much emotion again, it just takes too much out of us. We trust that God will bless us with a pregnancy when the timing is right.

On a higher note, Eric left me little sticky notes all over the house. He is gone tonight at a BCBC meeting, and he knows how much I hate to sleep without him even for a night, so he left notes all over to help me feel less lonely. They are all so sweet, pretty much the most awesome thing he has ever done. Funny how simple things mean so much! They made me cry, and miss him even more. Haha.

I Hate This

I got my hopes really high this time around. Too high. Deep down inside I knew better, but I just though if I stayed positive it would make a difference. But surprise, surprise, there is no magic formula. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, what you think or don't think. Sorry "The Secret", but you don't get what you want by thinking positive and imagining yourself having it!

My chart was perfect, so I though for sure it would be my turn this time around. Not the case. And the higher your hopes are, the harder the fall.

I just can't do this ups and downs game any more. I am sick of taking Clomid, has anyone really had success after 6 failed tries? We have 3 more rounds to try before our doctor will let us move on, and I just think it is wasting time. I know God can work a miracle, but I am not holding my breath any more. Maybe you think it is "bad luck" to say stuff like that, but I don't believe in luck. God will bless us with a baby when He is good and ready and there is nothing I can do to speed it up.

I just hate this feeling.

TRU 2010

This past weekend we had a EMC youth leadership retreat called TRU in Pinawa. It was a good weekend. The theme is Train, Refresh, Unite and I think we got that accomplished on the weekend.

Brian West was the speaker, and I really liked him. Him and I have similar world views I think. He had a lot of good things to say. The first night he asked if anyone needed prayer. I so desperately wanted to ask, but I was terrified. Eric was feeling the same way, and he raised his hand and asked for prayer for our infertility. It was hard at first to have that out in the open at the very beginning of the weekend. Of course I cried almost immediately. But it was good to get it out. Lots of people thanked us for sharing and said they were praying for us. We even had a guy talk to us that struggled with infertility for 7 years and now him and his wife have 3 kids. It was powerful, and very humbling. I don't want to burden other people by asking them to pray for me, but I am so thankful to have people I barely know praying for us! I can't wait to share good news with them!

Brian also said something that really struck me. He asked if there was any "tell it like it is" people in the crown. I raised my hand. Then he cautioned us to make sure we didn't have the mindset "Grace for me, justice for everyone else." And it hit me, I do have that mindset! So the last couple of days I have been pondering that, and I really want to make sure I change that. Although none of us are worthy of grace, God offers it to us all, and in that respect we all deserve it equally. No one person it more worthy of it than another person! Especially not me. I want to try to be more forgiving.

As for babies, the TWW kills me everytime. Am I or aren't I? Are these cramps implantation or gas? Is my stomach sour because of something I ate or is it the start of morning sickness? Am I going to the washroom more because I am on prednisone(it does make me CRAZY thirsty) or because I am pregnant? It is enough to drive a person nuts.

The upside of a TWW is that you can blissfully act as if you are pregnant, and it is fun.

Heartland Visit #2

Today we had our second appointment at Heartland. It was pretty uneventful. He told us it looks like the Clomid is working, and that he wants us to try it for three more months. (UGH) But he did add in prednisone, which I have never heard of using for fertility before, so at least we are trying something different. I did a bit of reading and it said that it helps a fertilized egg to implant into the uterus. It also helps reduce the amount of androgen (male hormones) in my system, which is a result of PCOS. If we are not pregnant by the end of the three more months, we will move onto something else. He didn't say anything about surgery this time, thank goodness, but he did say we would move on to an IUI.

I asked him about Femara and he said he only uses it if Clomid is not working for someone. And since Clomid is working for me, there is no reason to use Femara. He said it doesn't work any better than Clomid anyways.

SO.... I am not entirely dissapointed. I am glad to be adding in something else. I am in the middle of a TWW right now, and I am incredibly hopeful that this is our cycle. I guess we will see in a few weeks!

Thankful

When dealing with infertility, it is easy to focus on what I don't have and hard to be thankful for what I do have. But what I do have is everything I need. And for thanksgiving, here is a list of a few things I am thankful for!

• An amazing husband. I thank God for him everyday, because he really is perfect for me. He is kind, gentle, loving, caring, considerate and supportive. I know I am not always easy to live with, but he loves me unconditionally and always forgives my mistakes. I would not trade him for anything.
• A loving and caring family. I don't know where I would be without their love and support!
• All our friends! They are there to listen to our problems, they are praying for us, and they help us build decks last minute when we need it!
  
• My animals. They are my joy! I love being with them, doing activities like agility, running and riding with them.
• My job. I am glad I can work with animals all day long and get paid for it.
• It may not be fancy, but I am thankful for a home to live in that keeps me warm and clean! Even though I don't like our place, I am still thankful to have something.
• I am thankful for my health. Yes I do have PCOS that makes it difficult to conceive, but other than that I am pretty healthy. I am thankful for two legs so I can run, and a heart that can allow me to do it!
• I am thankful that we are able to pay our bills. There may not be a tonne left over after than, but we have enough to live on.

And most of all, I am thankful for a God that loves us so much that He sent his Son to die for our sins. It is because of Jesus that we are set free, so what more do we need?

Keeping Hope Alive

I have been fairly pessimistic about this 6th Clomid cycle. I had convinced myself that it was a waste of time and would never work anyways. Maybe it was an act of self preservation. Usually, the higher I let my hopes get, the harder I fall. So I completely wrote off this cycle, instead focusing on the future and what we would try next.

But something has changed in me the last few days. I am doing everything I possible can think of to conceive this month. I am doing my part, and the rest is in God's hands. I trust him. And with God all things are possible, so what right do I have to completely write off this cycle. Just because the last 5 rounds didn't work, doesn't mean that God can't work His miracles! Of course He can! So my hopes are high. I am excited. I am believe this cycle will be the one. And if God decided it isn't, then I know He will be there to catch me when I fall. He always is.

Also, I have been debating how much to share on my this blog. On my other one, I shared everything because I did not know anyone in real life, so not worries about information spreading. But if I share everything on here, it will be obvious when I am pregnant, even if I don't say it. I am not sure if I want everyone to know 4 weeks in, because with PCOS there is a higher risk of miscarriage. But I would really love to share everything. So for now, if you suspect anything, please don't spread it around until I officially announce something. Thanks!

With that being said, here we are, smack dab in the middle of Clomid round 6 with the craziest OPK positive I have ever seen! Woohoo! Keeping the dream alive!

Infertility Lingo

Eric informed me that he didn't understand a bunch of the abbreviations I used in my second last post and on my side bar. So I posted a list on my sidebar! There is many more I don't use, so I might be adding to the list as time goes on.

My Journey To Fitness: Month 3

Pounds to goal: 69

Acceptable Goal: Do TurboFire 6 days a week for 90 days and loost 20 lbs by Christmas.
Challenging Goal: Run for 45 minutes at a time, run a 5K and not get last.
Ultimate Goal: Loose 71 lbs, win a 5K. To be active every day. To make exercise a habit that I stick to.

What changes I have made this month: I stopped running. It was getting too dark in the mornings, and I am scared of the dark! There was no way I was going to run in the dark! So I ordered TurboFire, which is kind of like Turbo Jam, but intensified and includes high intensity interval training, which is supposed to be the best for fat burning. Actually it is alot like the p90x program, but instead of being focused on building muscle, it focuses on burning fat. I have also started taking metformin again. That in combination with starting to read Thin Within again has helped me to loose the weight I gained back since going off metformin.

What I have learned this month: That I get bored if I don't have a challenging goal to meet. Running wasn't quite as fun when I didn't have a set goal to acheive! I did run for 26 minutes at a time though.

What I want to change next month: Finish reading Thin Within finally, commit to exercising 6 days a week and NOT sleeping through my alarm! I also want to start going to be earlier, because going to bet at 12 and getting up at 6 just isn't cool. I would love to be in bed sleeping by 10:30, I think that is reasonable! I also need to spend less time on the internet, mostly obsessing over my infertility and what I can do to cure it!

Empty Arms

I just stumbled across this video. I could not have said it better myself...

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

More Infertility Stuff

I am tired of writing on two blogs. I have had a private one for all my infertility stuff, but I think I will stop writing everything on there and just write it all down here. I will be going into more detail. If you want to stop reading, that is understandable. I just added a timeline of our infertility history on my sidebar if you are interested. It is the same one that is on my other blog, so I thought I would move it over here.

This last month has been a rocky one for me. 12 days ago I found out that our 5th Clomid 50mg cycle did not work. I mean, the progesterone levels were great, 38, meaning I ovulated so the Clomid did it's job. I just don't understand how I am not getting pregnant if I am ovulating! I am starting to worry that there is something else wrong here.

We go back to the RE next week, and I am going to beg him to try something else before surgery. Surgery scares me and I don't want to go under or get my ovaries drilled into!

I feel like I have been in the middle of an emotional and spiritual battle lately. Most days I think so hard my head hurts. I am really making an effort to do what God wants rather than what I want. I am trying to be thankful for what I have and be content with that. But this feeling won't go away. I want a baby so bad that it physically hurts me. I just don't know how to push that desire aside. I am mourning the fact I will not be a young mother like I had always dreamed of, and that I may not be able to have the 6 kids I wanted, and that this has become so complicated. I want God to be all that I want and need. But this biological clock ticks so loud that I can't help but hear it.

We are starting to look into adoption. It take a couple years, so we want to get the process started now. I would really like to adopt internationally. We are still going to try for a biological child through the whole process. I would really like to adopt whether we have our own or not. There are just so many kids that need homes, but at the same time I know it will be a huge undertaking! Especially when they spend their first year or so in an orphanage.

Right now we are on our 6th and final Clomid cycle. I am also taking metformin, chromium, NAC and evening primrose oil. I am charting and using OPK's. I am doing everything and taking everything I possibly can to give us the best chance at conceiving this time. But my hopes are low. I don't think this will work. Can God make it work? Or course He can! Will he? I am just not feeling it this month. I am *SO* ready to move on to something else. Possibly a different type of medication or an IUI. I guess we will see what the RE says next week.

Say NO To Puppy Mills

I am sick of puppy mills. I am sick of treating poor, sweet innocet puppies for parvo virus that could have been easily prevented with a vaccine. I am sick of seeing them not make it.

I do not know who is buying dogs from these people. You are not "saving" these puppies. You are reinforcing the puppy mill to keep on producing puppies. Buying that puppies dooms many, many more to being born and raised in those conditions. Same goes for buying from a pet store. I know they are cute, but a good breeder would never let their puppies be sold in a pet store! If no one is buying their puppies, they will realize there is no money in it and stop breeding!

Puppy mills do not care for their dogs. They are simply doing it for the money. And they are not willing to spend ANY money on their animal's health. They do not do vaccines, deworm and their animals never get health check. If a pregnant dog is having trouble in labour, they do no want to do the C-section she needs because it is too expensive, and the puppies die inside of her. Then she has to get the C-section anyways. Sometimes it is too late and she dies a few days later from an overwhelming infection. Then that "breeder" is angry with the veterinarians because they spent all this money and have nothing to show for it.

These puppies do not even look healthy. They are sickly, they stink, they have crusty eyes, their coat looks horrible. They have worms. They are disgusting and they make me sad.

This needs to stop. These poor animals depend on us to care for them. They cannot speak and save themselves.

So if you are looking for a puppy, make sure you ask all the right questions. Go to the person's home. See where the puppy has been raised. Ask to see the parents. If it is questionable, report it!

Most puppy mills will not let you come to their homes. Their contact info is always cell phones. They will meet you somewhere to drop off the puppy. They will sell to pet stores.

Listen to me people! For the price you are paying at a pet store for a puppy mill MUTT, you can get a purebred dog, with papers, from an excellent breeder with a health guarantee!

So watch out puppy mills. I am coming for you. And I am going to shut you down.

What We Let Your Kids Do At Youth :)

Eric & Lindsey's List Of Things Not To Say

I like to see the humor in every situation, no matter how bleak. So today Eric and I compiled a list of things NOT to say to an infertile couple. If you have said these things to us or any other infertile couple, most likely they hurt, but we understand you are just trying to help or really don't know what to say. Your forgiven! :)

1. Just relax! - OH REALLY? That is all I have to do to have a baby? Wow, I wish someone would have told me this 3 years ago! (While stress can prevent ovulation, it is rarely the cause of infertility for so long.)
2. But your still young, you have lots of time.- How long are people going to say this to us? Is there an age cutoff for this comment? Having lots of "time" is not going to cure infertility!
3. At least you are getting a lot of practice *wink,wink* - Haha, akward...
4. My cousin/sibling/friend/etc couldn't get pregnant and then they did (insert procedure) and they had a baby. - And that helps me how? I know, I know, you just don't know what else to say.
5. What drugs are you on? Oh... I heard this and that works better. (Meanwhile, no correct drug names are cited) - When did your get your PhD? I guess you know more than my OB/GYN and my REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST. Surely they don't know what they are doing.
6.I had no problem getting pregnant, whenever I wanted a baby, I had one. - Thanks. Would you remind someone who had a terminal illness how healthy and vibrant you are? I think not.
7. Trust God, His plan is always best - This is 100% true, and I would never deny that. But it is not comforting! It is easy for someone to say, when they are not in the middle of a spiritual and emotional battle!
8. Complaining about your pregnancy - Were you not aware of what you were getting yourself into when you planned on getting pregnant? Did no one tell you there would be some discomfort invoved? I would give ANYTHING to be experiencing those things. It is a blessing, and you should be thanking God for every sore stomach, every twitch of pain and every stretch mark!
9. Just enjoy your time alone before you have kids- Minimizing my pain? Nice approach...

I just read a great blog post, it explains my feelings very well! Click here to check it out. There is also a great site where that blog post got many of it's ideas from. Click here to check it out. There are some things on their lists that are not on mine, but I can totally relate to everything they say. I wish I could print those out and give them to all my friends and family!

My Pumpkins!

We didn't plant much in our garden this year, it was mostly weeds. But I wanted to try to grow pumpkins again! I was hoping to get more, but this was my crop! The one on the left is supposed to be one of those giant pumpkins that grow to 500lbs, but I think the weeds in the garden sort of took over! I would like to try again next year, starting with a weed free garden! For some reason I just love growing pumpkins!

Empty Womb, Aching Heart - Book Review

I had been eying this book up in the church library for several weeks now, but I was in the middle of so many other books I thought I would wait. But after a particularly hard weekend, I decided to take the book out, desperate find hope and healing in the pages. I was disappointed. In fact, I think it made everything worse.

The book is a collection of stories from real people, and their struggle with infertility. It just made me sad to read them, and most of them were 35+ and have been dealing with infertility for much longer than I have, and still did not have any children of their own. It kind of makes me panic. It makes me want to get on an adoption list right now.

This book conveys SO many of the emotions I have felt, and that I am feeling. I think it would be a great book for a pastor, or my family and friends to read. It would help others understand what I and so many other infertile couples are going through. It would also be great for someone who wants to know they are not alone. But I already know that because of the blogs and message boards I am part of.

I was looking for encouragement, hope and healing but instead this book reminded me just how serious and hopeless my situation is and could be. I thought maybe it was just because of the valley I have been in lately, but to quote an Amazon review "I do not recommend this book for anyone who is already on the brink of losing hope. This book will take you right over the edge"

Wish I would have read that review first.

My Running Schedule

I did not run at all last week. I just needed a break week. Plus it is dark and COLD in the morning and I don't really want to run in the dark ( yes, I am scared. Coyotes, bears, skunks. Need I say more?). So I might stop running for the season, and get up and do p90x or TurboJam or something like that. I like getting up and working out, it is a great start to the day, and I don't want to loose that routine. Here is the schedule I used to get me to running 20 minutes at a time:

Week 1: Run 1 min, Walk 2 min x 6 sets, run 1 min. (Total run time : 7 min.)
Week 2: Run 1 min, Walk 1 min x 10 sets, (Total run time : 10 min.)
Week 3: Run 2 min, Walk 1 min x 6 sets, run 2 min. (Total run time : 14 min.)
Week 4: Run 3 min, Walk 1 min x 5 sets, (Total run time : 15 min.)
Week 5: Run 4 min, Walk 1 min x 4 sets, (Total run time : 16 min.)
Week 6: Run 5 min, Walk 1 min x 3 sets, run 2 min. (Total run time : 17 min)
Week 7: Run 6 min, Walk 1 min x 3 sets, (Total run time : 18 min.)
Week 8: Run 8 min, Walk 1 min x 2 sets, run 2 min (Total run time : 18 min.)
Week 9: Run 10 min, Walk 1 min x 2 sets, (Total run time : 20 min.)
Week 10: Run 20 min non stop (Total run time : 20 min.)

Let me know if you are going to try it! I would love to cheer you on and encourage you!

Fruit Fly Trap

We have had a problem with fruit flies in our house for a while. I made a trap a few weeks ago, just a half a lime in a glass bowl with saran wrap over it. Just punch a few small holes and flies get in and can't get out. It works great. Then I had the brilliant idea to just make it out of a half of a melon! I always eat melons like this, so it was readily available, and it skips the step with the bowl! It works fantastic! Check out all the flies we caught!

Sharing Sunday

Today was a sharing services in church. We have never done that before, and it was neat. There was no sermon, nothing planned. The whole services was left up to the congregation. It ended up being 1/2 hour longer than normal, and it was great!

Eric and I shared about our infertility for the first time in church. It was hard. I was hoping Eric would do all the talking, so I wrote down what I wanted to say. But when it was our turn Eric barely said anything and I did all the talking. I managed to get through it without crying, but then I bawled when we sat down. I am glad to have shared it in church, we need all the prayers and support we can get!

This summer our church's theme was "Are We There Yet?" and we studied the Israelites and their time wandering in the desert. I could relate to them in so many ways. I feel like we are wandering the desert too, but rather than looking for a land of milk and honey, we are looking for a land of milk and Huggies. (Although we will be cloth diapering, that just doesn't sound as good! hehe)

I have been learning to praise God through everything. Although sometimes it seems like it just can not get worse, and I beg Him to take me home, God IS still present, real and He loves me. He is blessing me, but it is not always in ways I want Him too! Today Andrew shared a song by MercyMe that I love, and today I realized how much it applies to me. It is my prayer:



So Jesus, bring the rain!

My Journey To Fitness Month Two

Minutes running at a time: 20

Pounds to goal: 70

Acceptable Goal: Continue running for 20 minutes each morning and add 20-30 more minutes of exercise a day.

Challenging Goal: Run for 45 minutes at a time, run a 5K and not get last.

Ultimate Goal: Loose 71 lbs, win a 5K. To be active every day. To run 5x a week, strength train 3x per week, and bike 2x on the weekends.

What changes I have made this month: Honestly! Not a whole lot. I stopped taking a certain medication, as instructed by my doctor, and I gained back 5 lbs! I also got a ravenous appetite off the meds, I was just hungry all the time. So I started PGX, which is a concentrated fibre capsule, that helps with supressing my hunger and helps regulate blood sugar levels. So far it seems to help with the appetite, and I have lost 3-4lbs that I have gained. I have been on it for about 2 weeks.

What I have learned this month: That I am capable of running for 20 minutes at a time. It was such a huge goal for me to meet. I can do things if I put my mind to it!

What I want to change next month: Eating more vegetables and fresh foods. I would also like to get in more exercise somehow! I am still thinking of readying Thin Within again. I feel like I am stuck at a weight plateau that i just can't get off of! I would love to loose another 20lbs before Christmas!

And for fun, I decided I was brave enough to post picture. The first is from when I started Thin Within 1.5 years and 23lbs ago, the second I took tonight. I don't actually think it looks that different, but it's a start!! Please ignore my stupid faces in the before pics. I guess I just figured people always look miserable in the befores!

The Finished Product!

Where I Would Like To Be Right Now

Old and New

Last weekend a bunch of friends came over to help us replace our deck. It was much needed! I am so happy with how it turned out, and very grateful to the people who made it happen!

Stressed Out

I wish I was one of those people that handles all situations calm, cool, collected, and with a sense of humour. But sadly I am not. I get stressed very easily. I always plan to start the day out happy, but I always let something get to me and I get stressed, whether it is my job, finances or infertility. It probably doesn't help that I don't get enough sleep. But I also thing a big part of it is that I rarely allow myself to just relax. I am always doing something. I think I need to make a point of relaxing.

Some things I plan on allowing myself to do more often: having a bath, reading, using my footbath, going to monthly massage therapy again (I wish it was daily), getting a pedicure every now and then, and I have even thought about going to get acupuncture!

Something I tried today was "turning my frown upside down". Today Eric did something that he thought was funny, but I didn't, and I just got upset. But then I decided I would laugh about it. It was amazing how much better I felt. My fake laughter turned into real laughter. Instead of being annoyed at my husband, I adored him! I am definitely going to try to do that more often!

What do you do to de-stress?

Running Week 10 of 10!

I just couldn't wait until the end of the week to post! This morning I ran for 20 minutes without stopping! 10 weeks ago I could not have even imagined this being possible! But it is! This morning was very hot and humid, even at 630 am. It make it much more tiring to run, but I didn't struggle to finish the 20 minutes! All thanks to God for giving me the motivation to start this running program, and to stick to it! I could not have done it without Him.

Now to change up the diet and drop some of this weight already!!

Running Week 9 of 10

Last week I ran 10 minutes, walked 1, ran 10 for a total of 20 minutes running! The first day it was pretty easy, but the last 3 days were brutal. I didn't get enough sleep (6 hours or less) and I wasn't feeling that great. The first two days I made CRAZY distance, I think because it was so cold that I was running harder to stay warm!

Tomorrow I run for 20 minutes at time. I am *SO* excited to try it out, yet nervous that I won't be able to do it.

Running Week 8 of 10

Last week I complete Week 8 of running! The schedule was run 8, walk 1 x 2, then run 2 for a total of 18 minutes running. I didn't push myself too hard, and it was doable! Jumping it up an extra two minutes was not so bad. I am still waiting to loose some weight as a result of this, but Eric and I are going to follow a meal plan starting sometimes this week. It will be nice to be told which recipes to make. It gives us a shopping list for the week, then we just make what it tells us! So many times we get home and have NO clue what to make for supper, so this will help. I am NOT referring to a diet, because they don't work for me! We will see...

Heartland

We had our appointment at Heartland yesterday. We got there extra early, because I was so paranoid about missing it!

Dr. K was an interesting man, to say the least. He greeted us and took us into the room. We sat down and he said "So you make sperm and you make an egg when given drugs". Then he proceeded to read our file, and about 10 seconds later he was groaning and said "I need to take some tums. Do you guys want some?" We kindly refused. He continued to read the file, without saying anything, for what felt like an eternity. So long that the silence got akward. He was making all sorts of odd expessions. I didn't know if I was supposed to say something or not. He also kept glancing out the window (he had a great view), and finally started fretting about whether a tornado was coming towards us!

Oh dear, I thought to myself, this guy has no clue what is going on. Then we talked about weight loss, and how there is only a 30% chance that will help, anyways. He told me I could go off metformin, which is awesome. I told him about my running, and he said that it might interfere with ovulation, and that I should not run that much. And then I asked him how much is too much, and he told me not to train for a marathon! Lol. Well yeah, I doubt running for 20 minutes in the morning will affect my ovulation, buddy.

In the end, I got sent for some bloodwork, got some meal plans and healthy living literature (yeah, because I don't know any of that already, weight doesn't just disapear the minute you start working on it, and your "miracle" photocopied meal plan is not going to do that either. I wish), and we are trying clomiphene again. We have a follow up appointment in 2 months.

I am disapointed. I was hoping for something more drastic I guess.I just really think the clomiphene is not going work, because it didn't last time. This guy in a reproductive endocrinologist, so he should know what is going on right? I have to trust him. But I just feel like we are wasting even more precious time.

The Call

Today I got the call that my appointment at Heartland Fertility Clinic is moved up from October 18th to THIS FRIDAY!! I am so pumped! I cried at work and had my coworkers jumping up and down for me and giving my hugs!

I feel like I have been given back some hope! God is certainly great.

I am so thankful the waiting time has been cut short, it was killing me. I am excited to get things moving forward again. I can't wait to be a mom!

Our vacation

I will not bore you too much with the details, but we had a great time last week on our summer vacation. It was much needed, I was really needing a break from work!

The first weekend at lilac was fun. We spent most of our time swimming, eating, naping and just hanging out with family. Eric went to the bombers game on saturday with Robert, while my mom and I napped. Hahaha.

Sunday we left Lilac for Star Lake. It was a great week. I ran every morning, and it was tough! I usually ate breakfast then napped before lunch. One morning Eric, Terry, Eloa and I attempted to bike to Falcon Lake. It was a hard bike ride with lots of uphills. We biked for 1 and 40 minutes! I wore my heartrate monitor and it said I burnt 2000 calories!! We didn't make it all the was to Falcon because it was taking too long and we wanted to make it back for lunch. The rest of the time was spend swimming, boating, reading, playing games, relaxing. It ended far to quickly.

Then Eric and I headed to Fargo for the long weekend. We went to the small border crossing at Tolstoi and waited for almost 2 hours to cross the border! It was insane! We got to Fargo far later than we expected. But, luckily we still had time to swim in the pool!! The hotel was great, and it was a good deal for everything it offered: pool/hot tub, microwave and fridge in room, king bed, free breakfast, fitness center. Saturday we shopped, Sunday we went to the Zoo (which had very few animals) and watched a movie. Monday we headed home after stopping at a few stores.

We were going to have lunch at the Texas Roadhouse in Grand Forks on the way home, but it didn't open until 4. So we looked across the street and saw the Golden Corral. We had hear it was good from several people, so we decided to try it out. It was horrific. The food was not bad, but there was so much. It was obscene. I felt like we were cattle being let in the gates to the troughs. I was so ashamed to be in there. I felt so guilty eating there that I barely ate anything!

After that experience, we heading home. I am glad to be home, I missed my animals, but it is just so good to get away for a while!

Running Weeks 5, 6 & 7 of 10

A very brief running update! Can't believe I have missed so many weeks.

Week 5 was run 4, walk 1 x four. It was pretty good!

Last week I ran in the Whiteshell with Eric. There was a lot of uphills (and downhills), that made the run alot harder! I ran 5 min, walked 1 x 3, then ran 2 minutes.

This week I am running 6, walking 1 x 3. This morning was the first morning running at home (yesterday I ran on the treadmill at the hotel), and it was relatively easy! I cannot believe how far I can run!

It is really hard to believe that in 2.5 short weeks I will be running for 20 minutes at a time! I can't wait for this to get easier!

My Journey To Fitness - Month 1

As promised , I will do a monthly overview of my fitness progress. I enjoy reading about it in Shape, and it will be good for me to journal my progress! I wish I had a Month 0, but I only got this idea a couple weeks ago.

Minutes running at a time: 5

Pounds to goal: 71

Acceptable Goal: Run for 20 minutes at a time.

Challenging Goal: Run for 45 minutes at a time, run a 5K and not get last.

Ultimate Goal: Loose 71 lbs, win a 5K. To be active every day. To run 5x a week, strength train 3x per week, and bike 2x on the weekends.

Today I read an article saying that many women who have PCOS loose weight, reverse PCOS and get pregnant without fertility treatments! If that is not motivation, I don`t know what is!

What changes I have made this month: began running, drinking more water, limiting salt addition to food, adding more fresh produce to diet, make more lunches at home and eating out less often. Making healthier choices when ordering out.

What I have learnt this month: I love running. It is easier to get started than I thought. It is a great way to start out my day. Exercising makes me crave healthier food. I am thinking more about what I put into my body. Making small changes at a time is easier than overhauling my lifestyle. It is easier to stick to, and it motivates me to make more changes. I feel alot less like a failure. Weight loss is not achieved by exercise alone, I have not lost a pound yet! Diet is equally important. Reading material, like magazines, on fitness helps to motivate me press on and it gives me lots of great tips and ideas, and great work outs!

What I want to change next month: Add some biking in on the weekends, continue running, and do more strength training. I also want to work more on my diet this month. I want to cut out as much processed food as possible, eat more fresh produce, and find healthy but yummy recipes. I would also like to add more avacados and asparagus to my diet, because I decided I like them!

Vacay!

Today Eric and I left for our summer vacation! I could not wait for this week. I really needed a week off and away from home. Even though I have weekend off, if I am home I just can't relax, cause there is always stuff to do at home!

This weekend we are at Lilac Resort with my Furgala family. We have been going every year for the last 15 years at least!

On Sunday we go to Star lake with all of Eloa's side of the family. I am really looking forward to relaxing there for the week. We will also probably go for a ride to Kenora one day, and several bike rides to west hawk. I will also do my week 6 of running there too!

Friday we are off to Fargo to stay in a hotel, just the two of us. We wanted to go camping, but pretty much everything in the whiteshell was booked up. This is probably the first time in a long time we haven't gone to the icelandic festival, but there is just nothing there for me any more. We don't have a lot of shopping to do, so we will probably go check out some of the local attractions!

I am excited!


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on the MTS High Speed Mobility Network

Lime Ricki

Today I got my bathing suits from Lime Ricki, and I seriously could NOT wait to get home to try them on. They are all beautiful and well made, but only one fits me great. They are true to what they say on their site, their suit run small, so order a size up!

The NickiThis suit was super cute, but I was really unsure about how the top would fit, and I was right. The bust area is much to small for me, and the thinner strap side did not have enough coverage at all. The torso area was also a bit tight, but it was a nice length. I think this suit would be best for someone with a smaller bust, there is just not enough room. It was my favorite one when I was ordering, but I am returning this one!

The Gen
I was not crazy about the look of this one, but it said it was good for C cups and over so I was willing to try it. I look like a submarine with it on. Paired with the yellow boy shorts I ordered, there was just too much yellow. And this top was VERY tight. And it did not have great support. It is going back too.

The Lizzie
I love the colour of this one. It is a bit longer and had more room in the torso than the other ones. For the most part, I really liked this suit and thought it fit great, except for the bust. It was a bit small, and it is kinda low cut. I was really on the fence about this top, but I think I am going to send it back cause I would like to try a different top. And if I kept it I would have to order yellow bottoms, and they are see through!

The Sadie
I immediately loved this one, I love the colorful dots! When I was ordering, I was thinking this one would fit the best, and I was right. Because it ties like a bikini top, it has great support that is adjustable, unlike the other tops. It is not quite as comfortable as the Lizzie, I am a little scared of popping out the sides, but I don't think that will actually happen. It just feels a little more exposed than the Lizzie. The bust could stand to have a little more room for me. I am keeping this one. I am pretty sure I am comfortable enough in it to go out in public! As comfortable as I will ever be in a bathing suit anyways!

Boy Shorts
I don't even know why I ordered these (Eric thinks they are really nice, that's why) because I hate boy shorts and these are no different. I just don't think they look right, plus the yellow is see through, I could see my underwear through them, so I can only imagine what they are like when wet! Embarrassing! But I ordered the yellow cause it matched every top I ordered. They were also a bit tight.

Original Bottoms - Turquoise Dot
They don't really match anything I have perfectly, but I will wear them with the Sadie top. They are SO comfortable.I love the extra band on the waist. I have no fear of plumbers crack with it, and it covers my belly nicely. They fit perfectly They are just super comfortable, and they have great coverage. I have to keep these ones cause I ordered them on clearance, but I think I will get another pair of original bottoms because these are so awesome! And believe the site, they definitely don't match the Lizzie top!!


All and all, I am happy with the purchases. I plan to order the Hallie tankini top (they say there is ample room in the bust!) and brown bottoms, and I will get a refund on the rest! I think if I was in better shape, these suits would have fit much nicer! But I am just glad I found something I could like!

Running Week 4 of 10

This week I am running 3 minutes, walking 1 minutes times 5, (total of 15 min running) it is surprisingly easy. I mean, it is not easy, but at then end of the 3 minutes I feel like I could keep going for a bit longer. I got a Timex Ironman Road Trainer heart rate monitor for my birthday, and it helps keep me going at the right pace.

I started reading Shape magazine a few months ago, and I really like it. Each month it has two people check in to talk about their weight loss and what changes they are making each month. It is fun to watch their progress. So I am thinking of doing something like that on here! And I welcome anyone to join me!

Running Week 3 of 10!

This week I am running for 2 minutes, walking for 1 x 6, then run 2 minutes for a total of 14 minutes running (20 minutes all together). It is hard. But it is doable!

This is actually my fourth week of running, the third week that Sarah is joining me! I am still loving it. I started going to the gym in Gimli with Coralee, a co worker. The gym there is small, cramped and it feels like a dungeon! I don't like it, and I probably won't go another month. But yesterday I did a workout from my Shape magazine and I really liked it! It was fast, the moves weren't complicated and I could feel the burn! I am going again tomorrow.

On another note, I just ordered a bunch of bathing suits from Lime Ricki to try on! I doubt I will keep them all ( I ordered 4 tops and 2 bottoms), but I can't wait to get them. I am sick of wearing a bikini with shirt over the top. The shirt always hold SO much water and it slows me down on water slides!

Running: Week 2 of 10

Week 2 of the running schedule is run 1 minute, walk 1 minute x 10. So we run for a total of 10 minutes this week, with a shorter rest period. So far, so good. I still can't imagine running for 2 minutes straight next week will be easy, but we will cross that bridge when we get there! We still have 3 days left of this interval.

I love running. I love running first thing in the morning. So far we have had good weather each morning, no rain. We get up early enough that it is still cool. This morning we went at 730, it was still cool, but I think if we had gone any later it would have gotten warm. Running is a great way to start out my day.

With all this running, you would expect that I would be loosing weight. But no. The scale is staying the same (Eric and I FINALLY bought our own bathroom scale the other day, so now the readings will be consistent) I am still telling myself the weight loss will come with time, but being human, I need some immediate gratification! My diet is not great right now. I mean, eating a handful of chocolate chips, and when I mean a handful I mean as many chocolate chips as my greasy paw can possible hold on to at once, is not exactly conducive to weight loss or a healthy lifestyle. That is just not a habit I want to hold on to.

I am thinking of reading Thin Within again. I never really finished it last time, and I know I said I would take things one step at a time, but this eating needs to get reined back in! Or maybe I should wait a few weeks until I get the hang of this running thing.

I also need to start working my muscles. Running as cardio is great, but I know I need to weight train as well if I want to be as healthy as possible! I joined the gym in Gimli with a friend. I haven't gone yet, but I will tomorrow. I will probably only go for a month. I think it is kinda yucky, and I would rather do P90X at home. That way I know I am working all my muscles properly and not leaving anything out.

Does anyone know of a good Yoga DVD that I could try? The P90X one is 1.5 hours long and that is just too much for me at a time. 45 minutes would be perfect, but I could do an hour it if is really good.

YAY!

Thank you so much for praying! I really appreciate it! The test went very well, I got in a bit early and was done fairly quickly. And the best part of all is that everything looked fine and there are no blockages, "unofficially". They cannot tell me for sure until the final report, but the radiologist was in the room for like 20 seconds and said everything looked good. So I am not worried. I am so thankful that I am over and done with this step, and I am looking forward to the next one!

HSG

If you think of me today at 1:30, please pray. Pray that the test gets done, that is will be as pain free as possible and that the results will be good.
Thanks! :)

Week 1 of 10

Tomorrow Sarah and I start our 10 week running plan. So by the end of the summer we should be running for 20 minutes without stopping. Right now 1 minute is hard.

This morning I started the schedule, running for 1 minute, walking for 2 minutes- six times, then run 1 minute, plus warm up, cool down and stretching. And it was HARD. I can run for a good 45 seconds, but after that I just want to stop!

I am very glad to have a partner to run with, it is so much more motivation! I am excited for us to get fitter and healthier together!

Running

I started running last week. I am terrible at it. But that is to be expected. I have talked to a couple runners this week that said they could barely run 30 seconds when they started, but now, one of them at least, can run for 2 hours without stopping! Actually both of them are running in the marathon this weekend! Now if that isn't encouragement....

So I am going to press on. I am starting slow, going out for 20 minutes. My short term goal is to run for 20 minutes without stopping. When I reach that goal, then I will run for longer. My long term goal is to run for an hour.

I have been going to bed earlier and getting up earlier to go for a run. I think that will work best for me, because I know I will not feel like running after a long day of work. And I think I am going to love it. I do love the feeling of running, but I don't love how I feel after 30 seconds of running!

This is going to be the start of a healthier lifestyle for me. I have tried so many diets and exercise plans, and I will probably try some more. Not diets so much, but exercise plans. I like switching it up. But I always try to change everything at once, and I get burnt out. So this time, I am going to fit running into my schedule. Once that become a habit, I am going to start working harder on my eating habits. I am still going to try eating as healthy as possible in the mean time, but I am not going to stress about it! I think taking little steps will be longer lasting that changing everything at once!

On another note, I passed my Fitness Theory exam! So my first step of becoming a fitness instructor is complete! I still have much more to do though...

Happy Birthday!

Twenty-five years ago the most amazing man in the world was born, and 20 years later he married me! :)

Happy Birthday Eric! You are the greatest!

Rescheduled

I have debated for a long time over whether to go into detail about some of our fertility treatments and stuff, and I decided now I will. Perhaps it will add some interest to this blog. So to get you up to speed, it has been over 2.5 years of trying, I have had tonnes of blood tests, an ultrasound, a MRI, I am currently on a daily medication/vitamin schedule to help control the PCOS, and we have tried 4 unsuccessful rounds of a fertility drug called clomiphene (Clomid).

Today I was scheduled for a hysterosalpingogram, which is sort of an video xray to see if my fallopian tubes are open. I was waiting for the appointement for a long time, and really looking forward to getting it over with so we can move on with other fertility treatments. I gowned up (YAY) and went into the xray room. They started asking a bunch of questions, and then realized it was too late in my cycle, and they don't normally do them that late.

The doctor came in to talk to me, I tried to convice her to still do it, but she said we would have to reschedule. Like a baby, I immediately burst into tears. I felt so dumb, but I just couldn't help it. It was just so disappointing. I am just sick of waiting for appointments. Because I was so upset, they scheduled me in for another appointment in two weeks. I am sure I made it really awkward for all of them, and I don't really want to go back there cause I feel so dumb. I hope it is different people....

It also hurts extra cause this is not the first time I have left an appointment in the city empty handed. A couple months ago I had an appointment with my ob/gyn but she had to rush out for a procedure and they had to reschedule. Which means I had to take another day off work and I wasted that trip into the city. Same with this, I took a day off work for nothing, and now I have to take another one off. Having a baby is NOT supposed to be this complicated, people!

Wedding Rings

I haven't worn my wedding rings in weeks. Truth is that I was not really sure where they were. I thought for sure they were somewhere in my house. This past Saturday was the first real time Eric and I had looked for them. We didn't find them, but I wasn't too worried, I figured I would find them when I cleaned the house. Saturday and yesterday I prayed that I would find them. They have probably been missing for two months or so.

Today a co-worker, Coralee, walked up to me with a ring in her hand and asked if it was mine. Sure enough, it was my wedding band. She had just found it in the rubber door liner of our front loading washing machine! I had no idea they were even at work! I must have forgotten them in a scrub top pocket and they went through the machine. My engagement ring, however, was not in the liner. Nor was it under the machine or anywhere in the laundry room.

It just so happens that our washing machine had not been working great for the past couple days, so today the repairmen came to fix it. I told them that my wedding ring was possibly lost in the machine. He thought it was probabl y in the pump. I asked if my ring could be causing the problems, and he said no. He asked how badly I wanted my ring back, and I asked him how easy the pump was to get into. He said easy, so I said I wanted him to check for it. After all, it is worth more than the washing machine itself!

I thought he would come tell me right away when he found the ring, but when I went in to check on him, he was all done fixing it and I didn't think he had found it. Until he held it up and asked me if I wanted it back! OF COURSE I wanted to back! It was pretty dirty, and a bit tarnished! But I am just so thankful!

Now, I am amazed at the way God orchestrates things:
-had Coralee not found the first ring, I would never have known they were lost at work.
-had both rings been in the pump, I would NEVER EVER have found them.
-had our washing maching not been broken, the repairman would never have been there to retrieve my ring from the pump, nor would I have known it could even get into the pump.

Eric is now saying that we are getting them recoated with rodium so I don't have allergic reactions to them, and then I am never allowed to take them off. And he wants to buy me a chain to wear them around my neck if I ever need to take them off. This is not the first time I lost them. The first time I lost them in the turkey barn and Terry found them with a metal detector. I was lucky a turkey didn't eat them!

Thanks God, for caring about every little detail of our lives.

Going Down!!!

We fell off the P90X wagon. We were going strong for a long time, but for the last three weeks or so it has been pretty slack! But tonight we got back on. Travis wanted to try it out, so we went to the gym in town to do it. And we feel great! I am glad to get back into it!

Thankfully, God allowed me to continue to loose weight during my off times. I went shopping on Saturday, and realize that XL shirts are now a thing of the past for me and size 14 pants are in! I can't even remember the last time I could even pull a size 14 on my body, and now it fits great. My goal is to be a medium/size 8. I think that is a decent goal. But I really have no idea cause I have never been that size. The size doesn't matter THAT much. I just want to be fit and healthy! That would make me the happiest.

Motivation is the hardest part. Once you stop working out for a few days, it is really hard to get back into it!

I did my fitness theory exam a couple weeks back, I am still waiting for the mark for that. I thought it was pretty easy, but you never know. I could have bombed it. I hope not. I am excited to get more into the fitness world!

Bored and Lazy

A neat survey I found on a blog I read. Feel free to do it as well!

1. Started your own blog – A few of them
2. Slept under the stars - In the winter time... YUCK!
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity - only once, and we had to really pinch pennies for a few weeks because I didn't thin
7. Been to DisneyWorld
8. Climbed a mountain - in Switzerland!
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris - one of my favorite places ever! Hence my dogs name!
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch - Knitting and sewing!
15. Adopted a child - I wish!
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables - but not very well!
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - twice!
20. Slept on an overnight train - on many occasions!
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch-hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - I did this alot at a job I hated when I was younger.
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - many beautiful ones!
31. Hit a home run - obviously you have never seen me play baseball
32. Been on a cruise - does a ferry from Greece to Italy count? Or a ferry to the Greek Islands?
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person - GORGEOUS!
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person - twice, and never again please...
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant -
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted - Do those caricatures they paint at Valleyfair count?
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris - twice! I love the Eiffel tower!
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie - does the ones you make in school count?
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business - I sell Partylite and Lia Sophia, so that counts!
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp - two of them, a very humbling experience
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt - many of them
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican - twice!
82. Bought a brand new car - it just turned 100,000 :( , but I LOVE having a brand new car!
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life- Does an animal count?
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby - NO :(
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake -
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone - I have owned and DO own one!
99. Been stung by a bee