Big News!

 

Most, if not everyone who reads this blog is also friends with me on Facebook, so this is probably old news. BUT, I want to share it here too!

We are expecting Baby #2!

March 23rd, we transferred that beautiful embryo pictured above, and a week later we had a positive pregnancy test.

My initial feelings were relief. It had been such a long, emotionally draining road and it was finally over. We could finally celebrate.

Two weeks ago we had a scare. I started cramping and bleeding. I called Heartland and they had me come in the next morning for an ultrasound. The bleeding had stopped by the morning, and the U/S looked normal for how far along I was.

I have another ultrasound April 27th. We should be able to see the heartbeat by then! I cannot wait.

I have been feeling very tired and nauseous lately. I wasn't really sick with Tallet, so this is new for me. It is an interesting challenge with a toddler to chase after this time around. But nevertheless I am thankful for it. It (hopefully) means this bean is growing strong in there!

A Work Trip, A New Cycle and A Whole60

This past weekend/week, Alyssa and I went on an impromtu trip to Vegas for a photography expo (WPPI).

We had 4 really solid days there. Our first morning was spent traveling. Getting up at 4 am, gaining 2 hrs flying and arriving in Vegas at 11 am. We checked into the hotel and sat in the sun by the pool. Our first hotel was by Fremont street, which is vintage Vegas. We grabbed some food and explored there for a while, before heading back to the hotel for a 3 hour nap to catch up on lost sleep from a 4 hr night and 8 hours of flying! When we woke up it was still only 7pm! We bought a selfie stick and some supper, and spend the rest of the evening exploring Fremont some more. It was the longest day ever!

On day 2 we rented a car and headed out to the Valley of Fire, about 45 minutes northeast of Vegas. This was the best decision ever. We spent 5 hours with huge smiles on our faces exploring this gorgeous place! It was a cold day, and it rained a bit! On the way back we stopped at a Target to stock up on some groceries, we dropped all of our bags off at the new hotel near The Strip and took the car back to the rental place. Or we tried to at least. There are SO many turn offs, and they don't give you warning, so we missed the sign and had to drive around the ENTIRE airport again. Needless to say the car was returned late, and by the time the bus came and we got back to our hotel we were exhausted. We originally wanted to go to a restaurant for supper, but we were too exhausted. Pizza it was!

Day 3 was for the expo. We spend 5 hours scouring the show floor, looking at products, talking to vendors and listening to speakers. It was a full, but awesome day. We found some really great products that we will be adding to our lineup. The expo ended at 4. We relaxed at the hotel a bit and then headed to Burgr for supper. We spent the rest of the evening shopping at the Venetian, and watching the volcano show at the Mirage and the fountains at Bellagio. We soothed our sore muscles from all the walking in the hot tub and went to bed.

Day 4 we stowed our bags at the hotel valet and headed back across the street to the expo. We mostly sat at the Nikon booth and listened to top photographers speak. We soaked in SO much valuable info from these seasoned pros. We were sorry to have to leave so early. We grabbed a cab to the airport, and had a nice supper before we caught our flight home.

The last day in Vegas my cycle started, so the next day I called Heartland first thing. I have already started medication for another transfer, which will most likely be towards the end of the month.

Because I want to be as healthy as possibly for this transfer, I have decided to do another Whole30, but turn it into a Whole60. I started yesterday.

Today I am SO over it. I just want to stuff my face full of snacks right now. Which is even more reason to keep going, I would be stuffing my face if I was not on this plan. Another 58 days of this just seems so sickening. I am trying to convince myself it's ok to quit. I just might. Where did all my willpower go from round 1?

On Babies

Before we had Tallet, I was quite open about our fertility treatments. As we were trying for Baby #2, we wanted to keep it on the DL for more of a semblance as a normal life. Well that has not worked out for us too well. I think that we have finally accepted that we will never have that kind of normal. This is normal for us.

So let's recap the last year or so.

Called Heartland in November 2013. Weaned Tallet and scheduled an IUI for late January.

IUI was cancelled in beginning of February because my body did not respond to meds.

In May, as I have written about before, I got overstimmulated with doubled IUI meds, so we converted to IVF. I ended up in the hospital with OHSS.

I took 3 months off for my body to heal from OHSS.  Mid-August we transferred our first embryo baby. We lost that baby.

Mid Sept, we tried another. We lost that baby.

Mide October, we transferred another. We lost that baby as well.

We were so devastated. We needed to take a break, plus we were going on a trip. So we decided to take a break from transferring until after Christmas.

Two days ago, we cancelled the transfer. I had been spotting for 2 weeks, and my uterine lining was starting to degrade. We were not willing to take that risk on another embryo baby. I was happy to cancel because of that. We will let my body have a normal cycle and then we will try again.

Frozen embryo transfers (FETs) can me medicated or unmedicated. We chose to do medicated because my body doesn't have a good history of being hormonally sound, thank to PCOS.

With a medicated cycle, I take an estrogen supplement (Estrace) for 10 days, to build my uterine lining. I go for an ultrasound at 7:30 AM at Heartland, and if everything looks good I start taking a progesterone supplement (Prometrium) for 5 days. And then we go in for a transfer. I have to go in with a VERY full bladder so my uterus is in the proper position. This is extremely uncomfortable, and the very worst part. Once the embryo baby is transferred, I get to go to the washroom. Then 10 days late I got for a blood pregnancy test (beta).

This whole cycle is exhausting to me. And SO much more difficult with a child. The appts are so early in the morning, We have to leave at 5:30. It makes it tricky to find a place for him. Usually we end up taking him to his Grandparents the evening before so he can sleep until a regular time.

So now, it has been over a year of fertility treatments, with no pregnancies.

I am devastated.

I am frustrated.

I am hopeless.

I feel like a murderer, transferring these babies that aren't making it.

I really struggle with mourning them. I feel stupid about it, because I cannot say that I have miscarried. I feel like I fulfill my blog name when I talk about it. I never got the chance to carry them. They were just gone so fast they never had a chance. I didn't get to know if they were boys or girls. How can I be so attached to such a young little life?

I struggle with bitterness, still. Hearing about new pregnancies is getting harder and harder. I hate that my life is becoming like this again.

Baby #2 has been way harder than Baby #1. I always though it would be easier.

It only helps me to appreciate Tallet more. I am so in awe that I get to be his mother. I get to be a mother. I am so very thankful for that.

But I am terrified about him being an only child. I was one for 15 years and it sucks. There is nothing better than a built in playmate. I want that so bad for him.

I am turning 30 this year. I feel like my clock is really ticking. We have been trying to have babies for 7 years. I should have at least 4 by now.

I know things could be 1000 times worse right now. But its just hard.

Mother of Ten

I have talked to a lot of people on the last few days and weeks about our babies in the freezer. It seems that people are not sure what to think about them. I have gotten a lot of comments along the lines of "They probably all won't take, you won't have 10 children".

It has made me think long and hard about what those babies mean to me. And maybe this is just coming from an overstimulated, super hormonal woman, but these are my feelings.

All 9 of those babies are alive. They are all humans. As a Christian, I believe life begins at conception, and these babies have lived and grown 5 days after conception before they have been cryopreserved.

It is hard to fathom that someone microscopic is alive, and just as important as any other baby.

So comments like "It is doubtful that all of them will work, anyways", are hurtful. I would never say to a pregnant woman "You could easily miscarry that baby" or "Your baby could be still born".

Are those possibilities? Of course they are. Anything could happen at any time. I fully understand that my babies might not survive the thaw, that they might not implant, that they could miscarry early. Any of those things will be considered a loss for me, and I will be devastated.

As crazy as it seems, I WANT all those babies to survive. One of the things we understood when deciding to do an IVF is that we could end up with a lot of embryos to freeze. And we decided to be commit to giving all of those embryos a chance at life. Nobody will be discarded, nobody will be forgotten about. If that means we have a large family, then we have will have a large family. Something I have always dreamed about, but never thought it could be possible with infertility. 

Recovery

Wednesday morning I woke up and felt a bit better, I thought things had finally started to turn out. But after breakfast I was feeling worse than ever. I was starting to get cramps in my diaphragm, it was very hard to breathe, I could not get comfortable. And then I had a panic attack. It was very scary when it hurts to breathe. 

Lucky for me, the panic attack pushed up my urgency, and I finally got an ultrasound and my abdomen drained in the afternoon. They drained 2.5 litters, which was apparently only half the fluid in there. 

The drain hurt much more than I thought it would, but the relief was immediate. I could finally breathe again. 

I spent a few more hours in the hospital and finally got to go home! 

Every day after that I felt better than the next, until Saturday. I got the flu. It was awful, but I was sure glad I got it when I was feeling better. Eric had gotten it the week before when I was really feeling the OHSS so I was glad I didn't get to me until later. 

Today is a week since the drain, and I feel pretty much back to normal. I know my ovaries are still pretty large, so I still have to take it easy for a while. I am kinda bummed because I was just getting back into running, and I won't be able to do that for a while. 

Thanks everyone for your support and prayers! 

IVF

Confession. The reason I wanted to blog again is to get this all off my chest. Each day I have put It off, there is more and more to say! I will try to keep it short. 

We doubled the meds for our second IUI attempt. My body overreacted, which is apparently typical of PCOS. We were given the option to cancel or switch to IVF. We chose to switch. While more expensive, it would have been our next step anyways if this IUI didn't work. 

About a week into the meds I started to feel bloated and nauseous. This past Wednesday we had our egg retrieval and they got 22 eggs. 

I felt fine right after the procedure but once the pain meds wore off I was in a lot of pain. 

Thursday we found out that 17 eggs fertilized. I was starting to feel very uncomfortable and bloated, but hopes it would go away. 

Friday I woke up feeling worse, and I had has a terrible sleep. I called the clinic in the morning to see if how I was feeling was normal and they advised I come to be seen. 

At the clinic after much waiting got an ultrasound and the doctor said I had a lot of fluid accumulating in my adbomen as a result of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS), and he wanted me to get admitted to the hospital to be drained. 

Well there was no beds available, so he advised I go home and come back in the morning. We decided to stay the night in the city so we didn't have to do so much driving. 

Saturday morning we called the clinic and were advised to go to HSC emergency to get an ultrasound and get drained. We waited there for 5 hrs only to find out I didn't have enough fluid to get drained, so we went home. I got some t3's to take home. 

Saturday we also found out that all 17 of our fertilized eggs were growin/dividing. She said 40% would turn into blastocysts they could freeze. 

Sunday I was relatively comfortable with the T3's. By Monday afternoon my bloating had gotten so bad that I was having a hard time breathing or getting comfortable in any position. I called the clinic and my doctor wanted me to get admitted to the hospital. 

So last night we packed up and I checked in. I got X-rays, bloodwork and an IV. 

Today, Tuesday, I waited for an ultrasound. And I waited. And waited. Until it was too late to get one. I am stuck here for another night, and hoping I can get an ultrasound and be drained tomorrow. 

I have gained 20 lbs of fluids since Friday. I am very uncomfortable, nauseous and I can only eat very small amounts at a time. My back is hurting whether I sit, stand or lie down from the pressure.  I cannot wait to have relief. 

On the bright side, today we heard that we had 9 embryos make it to blastocyst stage to freeze! Meaning I am now mother of 10! 

They will be transferred at a later date, one at a time. Whenever I am feeling better. It will take several months before I am back to normal. 

I hope that means that I am done with fertilty drugs forever! 

A Failure

Back in January I posted that we were going back to Heartland. 

We were surprised how fast we got in, and even more surprised how fast they got us in for a cycle. Everything seems to be going smoothly. 

At our appt. the Doc went over IUI and IVF info, and was kind of trying to steer us towards IVF. We opted for IUI because it worked on the first try last time, surely it would work like that again. 

Well, not so much. I did about 13 days of injects, wasted 1000's of dollars and our cycle got cancelled. My body didn't respond to the meds at all. For Tallet I had 3 follicles that grew, this time I had nothing. 

We were fairly laid back about this cycle, assuming it would work but knowing in the back of our minds that we got incredibly lucky the first time. 

I was crushed. It was so much harder than I expected to have a failure. It is unreal how all the old feelings crop back up again. Infertility sucks, and the suckyness doesn't go away after you have one babe. 

This will be a struggle for the rest of our family growing years, and that is hard to accept. Friends around me continue to get pregnant with the greatest of ease. I thought it would be easier to deal with once I had a child of my own. But it isn't. 

Because Of Your Prayers....

.... I got to see this on Tuesday morning.

And on Thursday afternoon I had beta HCG results of 415!

I think I am still in shock. I can't believe the IUI worked on the first try. 

It kinda reminds me of one of the time Peter was in jail. The church prayed and prayed and prayed for him to be released, and when he showed up on their doorstep they didn't believe it was him! 

I kinda feel like that.  So many people have prayed for this, so why I am I having such a hard time believing it! 

I feel so incredible blessed, humbled and thankful. God is SO good. His timing is perfect. His plans are better than ours. Praise God for being so amazing to us. 

First IUI Appointment!

We had our consent signing/injection training today at Heartland. It went great and I am excited to get started! 

I am not going to lie, I am very nervous about starting injectables. It just seems like such a giant step from what we have done in the past. Unknown territory. And at the same time I am excited to move on. 

Right now I am on BC pills until January 4th. Then when AF arrives I start Suprefact injections for 4 days. Then on the third day of Suprefact I also start 150mg injections of Gonal-F. I will do this for 6 days then I got for some bloodwork and an ultrasound to see how I am progressing and then they will adjust from there. 

The Start!

I went in for some baseline CD2 bloodwork today. Actually it was CD3 because I forgot my forms at home yesterday. I also had to do a urine pregnancy test. Seems so silly when you are on CD3.

They called me an hour after I was at the lab to tell me the test was negative, and that I would be starting birth control on the 4th. I will take it for a whole month until January 4th. This is the very first step in our IUI and I am excited to be doing something, but not excited to be taking birth control pills. I really want nothing to do with those ever again, but I know they are necessary in this process.

In other infertility news, a woman that I know sent me an interesting Facebook message the other day. I had messaged her to ask if she wanted to host a Partylite show and that's it. In turn, she messaged me back and was wondering if we had ever considered that maybe it was God's plan for my womb to be closed and maybe it was for a reason. She was also wondering why the fertility treatments were so expensive and maybe we should check out how much they are in the US. She also mentioned that she wanted to tell me all this because she didn't want to be one of those people taking behind my back, as she has received some comments about me.

The first few things didn't bother me so much, but it was the fact that people are talking behind my back about my infertility. I am *SO* curious to know what they are saying! What is there to say about someone who is struggling. Do they think I shouldn't talk about it so much? Do they think I shouldn't pursue treatments? And why? Would they say the same things to someone who was sick? Like maybe it was God's plan for them to be ill and maybe they shouldn't go to the doctor?

NO! I firmly believe that God has blessed medical staff with knowledge and skills so that His people can be in turned bless through it! After all, God prefers to work through His children than on His own.

I told this lady to please let those people who have issued with what I am doing to give me a call. I would love to chat with them.

Another Call

Heartland called today, and it turns out we are on the top of the IVF list and can do one in February if we want! WOW! So unexpected!

They did see that we are doing an IUI in January, so the nurse said we can try as many of those as we want and when we are done we can move straight to IVF because we will be kept on the top of that list.

I can't even express how excited I am about that. No more months and months of waiting for a new procedure.  It is hard to believe our luck, or should I say blessing.

Now don't get me wrong, I am praying hard that we won't have to do more than one IUI!

Even More IUI Stuff!

First thing this morning I got the call from one of the nurses from Heartland. I was so pumped to finally talk to her. I decided to do injectable stimulation because it has a high success rate. This means we will be cycling with the IVFers. And if I get over stimulated, then we can switch to IVF if we want, which we will probably do.

Then she asked if we would be interested in IVF in the future if needed. I said yes, so she put us on the IVF list as of the day we paid, so June 10th, 2011. Which is TOTALLY AWESOME! Usually the wait list is 8-12 months so it is awesome we got a head start. And we don't have to pay an additional sign up fee to get on the list. So this means that if we need to go to IVF, we won't have the long wait time.

She is sending out my forms and a prescription for the pill just incase I need to go on it. She said I would start my cycle around January 4th with insemination day around the week of the 23rd.

I am so glad to finally have some plans. I feel like this is finally going somewhere. That finally everything is falling into place.

Did I mention the nurse I spoke to was SUPER nice!

I am so thankful to God for the hope He continually gives. Please pray for us as we continue on this exciting journey!

More Exciting Phone Calls!

I called Heartland again today to leave my work number. They didn't call me back at work, but they did call Eric at home. They told him we would be in the January cycle. We have a appointment on December 7th to sign some forms and do some IUI training. I also have to let them know which CD I am on, and depending on that I might have to go one birth control pills to get my cycle to the right date. I am not excited about going on the pill again, but I know it is different this time around.

The nurse said we have to decide whether we want to do oral or injectable meds. I am leaning towards injectable because I know they're more effective and I don't want to waste time. They are more expensive, but I am pretty sure our heath care plan will cover it!

The nurse is supposed to call me at work tomorrow with more details. I can't wait!

10 in 10

So, I got some new info from some messages boards. Heartland does IUI cycles the same time they do IVF cycles and we missed the October one. :(

Apparently the next one is December/January so hopefully we will be part of that one.

In one way this is a good thing, it gives me all of November for my 10 in 10 campaign! I would like to have at least 10 Partylite shows in November, with $10,000 in sales. With 25% commission, that will give me $2500 for our first IUI. 

So if you or anyone else you know wants to have a party, PLEASE let me know. I can also do an unlimited amount of book parties! If you don't want to have a party, every order helps! There is a really good sale going on for all of November so I can send all the info to anyone interested!

Today's Struggles

I'll admit, my posts have been a little superficial lately. I haven't really given myself much time to sit down and write a proper post.

Today I am struggling with frustrastion, bitterness and jealously. You think after all of this time I would be able to deal with these feelings properly. I should have enough practice. I probably need professional help. So please excuse me if this post feels rant-y.

I am frustrated because I feel no one understands me. Some people pretend to, but things they say let me know that they really don't get it. I am thankful for their effort to try though.

I am frustrated because I am always waitng. Waiting for 4 whole years. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting for an appointment. Waiting for the test results. Waiting for CD14. Waiting for 14DPO. Waiting for this pain to go away. Waiting for an answer. Waiting for some direction.

Right now is the middle of another baby explosion. It seems that alot of people like to announce their pregnancies in the fall. I already know of about 10, and I am sure there will be more. I SO badly want to be part of this one.

I can't stop thinking about how I can manipulate my circumstances for a different outcome. Like maybe if I change my attitude God will answer my prayer. Or maybe if I pray about this He will. Or maybe if I do this He will. Or maybe if I pray this way He will. Or maybe if I keep my mouth shut He will. Or maybe if I am extra nice to this person He will. Or maybe if I help out that person He will. Or maybe if I pray harder He will. Maybe if I share my struggle with others He will.

I know logically that God doesn't work like that. You cannot manipulate the maker. But I keep letting those thoughts run through my head.

Also I keep letting myself believe that it will be a special circumstance when I get pregnant. Like I will get to tell Eric on his birthday, or on fathers day, or our anniversary or something like that. Or now that we are getting a new place I will all of a sudden get pregnant because of that. Or when my friend gets pregnant I will to so we can be pregnant and have babies together. But none of that has worked out for me either.

I am so helpless. There is nothing left for me to do. I have tried it all. I am powerless. I cannot become pregnant on my own strength or will.

I am so thankful that is not the end of it. I am so thankful that there is a loving God who gives me hope. A hope for the future. A hope for a family. I have done all I can do, and now all that is left is to surrender it to God.

"Take it God. My infertility is in Your hands. I am done trying on my own. "

It Takes One - Updated

I guess I lied before. I didn't do it knowingly, but I lied.

I just takes one pregnancy announcement to send me spiralling into a pit of despair.

I didn't plan to be upset about the next announcement, but I still cried myself to sleep last night.

Just when you think you are going to be ok, it all comes flooding back. The sinking feeling. The sadness. The panic. The twisted stomach. The realization that you are hopeless. The people looking at you with pity. The people fawning and talking about this baby while they forget about your pain.

It shouldn't hurt this much. I should be used to it.

In October it will officially be 4 years of waiting for us. And for them it happened "sooner than expected".

That makes me nauseous. No I am not just saying that, I actually feel ill.

How can something that is so excited for one person, be so incredibly painful for another?

Right now Eric is watching Juno, and Juno just said to the prospective adoptive mother about being pregnant "You are lucky it isn't you". You could see the pain on the infertile woman's face. I know that pain all too well.

Oh, Lord, please help me to be happy for them and to not act selfishly. And please, oh, please let the waiting list seem short for an IUI.

Update -Right after publishing this post, AF showed up. Literally 2 minutes after. YAY

My Surgery

Writing my last post stirred up some thoughts.

I wonder if sometimes people forget about how badly I want a child.

I talked about the things I have done to my body in hopes of a baby. But probably the scariest for me was my surgery.

When Eric had hernia surgery a few years back, something about it terrified me. I knew right then and there I would never want to have surgery.

So when Dr. K informed me that surgery was necessary before we did an IUI, I was pretty upset. I did not want to do it, but if I wanted to get closer to having a baby, I knew I needed to. We could have done IVF without the surgery, but we are not ready to do that nor can we afford that without trying IUI first.

Like I said, I was terrified. I was terrified of going under anaesthesia. I was terrified of getting post op infections or contracting MSRA. I was sure that I wasn't going to wake up. I couldn't shake that thought. I was scared the entire time. When they wheeled me away from Eric and I had to sit alone in the pre op room by myself was probably the scariest part of it all. Scarier still was when they wheeled me out of the pre op room and Amazing Grace was playing, I was sure it was the end. That was the last song I was ever going to hear. I wanted to rip out my IV and jump off the table and go home.

Thankfully God has other plans. He takes care of us. He is our comforter. Surgery, although the few days after were painful, was no big deal. God is faithful.

After that I decided to stop watching TV shows, especially medical ones. They were turning me into a hypochondriac, and I don't need to fill my mind with those thoughts. Especially when I am prone to anxiety.... but that is another post all together!

So in case anyone forgot, I want a baby pretty badly. Badly enough that I am willing do things that terrify me.

Unsympathetic

I am pretty sure I have gotten over the initial sting of infertility. I mean, I still wish I wasn't in this situation, but right now I don't feel sad every day like I did before. I can handle hearing about pregnancies and seeing babies without having a mental breakdown or being insanely jealous. It took me a while, but I am finally there. Not saying I don't have my bad days, but they are few and far between!

The only time it does sting is when people take it for granted. And if I say anything about how blessed they are just to have a baby/be pregnant, then they proceed to tell me that I don't know what it is like to be in that situation and that I will feel the same when when I am.

Um, ouch! I would give anything to be in that situation. Some times if baffles me the things I have put my body through to be in that situation. Boatloads of bloodwork, ultrasound, MRI, x rays, SURGERY, drugs, spending every spare dollar on treatments, month after month of charting, money spent on OPKS. I have not done all that stuff so that I can gripe about everyday challenges with a baby.

It goes both ways. I may not know what it is like to be a mother, but most don't know what it is like to deal with infertility either.

So please, don't assume I will feel the same way as you. One of the benefits of infertility is that I will be able to find joy in the 40+ weeks of pregnancy, screaming babies, sleepless nights and blow out diapers that a lot of people take for granted.

Another App.

I had my appointment today. It was pretty uneventful. I won't write all the details on here because most people will not want to read it. Basically he did a PAP test and made sure it is physically possible to do an IUI. Everything was good so now we are just waiting for a phone call.

We should hear from the nurses in October to schedule an IUI, but of course I hope we get a call sooner!

Birthday Gift Fail

I had the best plan ever for Eric's birthday on Thursday. It was going to work out perfectly.

I was going to tell him that he is going to be a father.

The way my cycle was working out, I could have tested this morning and then I would have just had to keep the secret all to myself for just ONE day.

It was going to be perfect.

But Aunt Flo don't like perfect. She likes to show up announced and on time, of course, to formally ruin my grand plans.

I know I should be thankful. The naturopathic treatments and my surgery are still working. And I am so thankful for that. It will be another 6 months at least before we can do any more fertility treatments because of the waiting list, so the natural way is my only hope for now. Maybe next month? Pray hard for me k?