Good Riddance 2010

I am happy to see 2010 go. I can safely say it was the worst year of my life. Not that anything majorly bad happened, but nothing life changing happened either. I feel like I didn't get anywhere in life. I feel like I am in the same spot I was a year ago when I was saying goodbye to 2009.

If I could sum up 2010 in one word, it would be struggle. I feel like I have struggled in so many areas. I struggled to get fit and get into an exercise habit, here I am and I haven't exercised in two months. We struggled financially, I went back to work full time and we cancelled our trip to BC. I sure loved working part time, it was ideal. We struggled to conceive a child, after 8 cycles of fertility drugs, I still have an empty womb and an aching heart. I struggled with my relationship with God, trying to grow closer to Him, loving Him as much as I can, trying to live a life that pleases Him. I struggled with myself, trying to figure out if the person I am is the person I want to be.

I know I am focusing on all the negative right now, but I need to mourn. 2010 was a very hard year for me. I am hoping and praying that 2011 will be dramatically different, in a good way. I am nervous about more disappointment, but excited for new possibilities.

My resolution this year is to not just sit around waiting for life to happen. I am going to make life happen. I am going to have an amazing year, and when I sit here next year and write my review of 2011, it is going to be awesome. I am going take advantage of the time Eric and I have while it is just the two of us. Going to Disneyworld is sure a great start! I leave in 14 days!! Eric leaves in 19!

Christmas Gifts I Made

I meant to take pictures of everything I made, but I have been SO busy making all this stuff it slipped my mind and then all of a sudden everything was given away already! So I will just list them off:

1. Cinnamon Sugared Almonds
2. Chocolate Covered Coffee Beans
3. Vinatarta Cookies
4. Spicy BBQ Rub
5. Jamaican Jerk Rub
6. Fruited Vinegar
7. Basil Olive Oil
8. Oregano Olive Oil
9. Toffee
10. Tree Skirt for Eloa
11. 12 Placemats for my Mom
12. Knit Toques
13. Knit Mittens
14. Knit Slippers
15. Fabric Coffee Sleeves ( like the cardboard things)
16. Oven Mitts and Pot Holders
    
17. Lemongrass Olive Oil Body Scrub
18. Cucumber Bath Salts
19. Sugar Plum Bath Salts
20. Chamomile Mint Bath Salts
21. Grape Strawberry Lip Balm with beeswax, olive oil, shea butter and vitamin E.
22. Strawberry Limeade, Mandarin Mango, and Grapefruit bath bombs
23. Green Apple Shea Butter Soap
24. Warm Vanilla Sugar Shea Butter Soap
    
25. Turkey Jerky
26. Indian Paneer Cheese with hot Chillis
27. Rye Multigrain Cracker

Wow, when I write it out in a list like that it seems like a lot of different things! No wonder my life has been completely consumed in the last month by making gifts! Pretty much every spare minute I had, I made gifts. I truly did enjoy it, and I am glad I did it.

My favorite part was probably making the bath stuff, mostly the bath bombs! So much so that I think I would like to start selling them. We need to pay for our fertility treatments/adoption some how, so why not make bath stuff in my spare time. I could sell it at local craft shows and on Etsy! We will see...

I love Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus! I hope everyone had a fantastic day and was able to enjoy time with family and friends.

I was again reminded in the last few days of how blessed I am. I have a wonderful family and they are so good to us! I always feel accepted and loved when I am with them. I couldn't ask for more!

And the best Christmas present of all?!?! The arrival of AF! Thanks for making this the merriest of merry Christmases..... NOT. But, I will not let her bring me down, this Christmas was still amazing despite the failure of Clomid #8, only one more to go and then we can finally move on. At least I can still go on the rides at Disneyword. :)

Holiday Rabies Shot

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/8133783

This is hilarious, because it is so true.

Hi

I feel like I need to post something, but I am coming up empty! I would really love to post about all the stuff I am making for Christmas gifts, but I don't want to ruin it for anyone. I will say I am having fun and I am really glad I am doing this. I will post pictures and info AFTER I have given them all! I think making my gifts has really helped to put me in the Christmas spirit.

I haven't posted a lot about infertility lately. Mostly because I have been trying my best to keep it at the back of my mind. My friend Hillary over at Making Me Mom wrote a great post. Please check it out. I could not have written it better myself and it describes so much of my feelings of loss that are difficult to put into words. And probably even more difficult for people to understand. I hope that helps.

Learning

Sometimes I overwhelm myself with things I would like to learn to do. Here is a few things:

1. Play the piano well, and be able to read music.
2. Speak French, or any other language.
3. Edit HTML, design and some programming. I think it would be fun.
4. Crochet.
5. Make a real quilt, not a rag quilt!
6. Make soap.

But where to find the time! What kinds of things would you like to learn?

Clomid #8

Today I started taking Clomid again. This is cycle number eight at 50mg. Honestly and realistically, I don't think it is going to work. Of course God can work miracles and we will be praying hard for that. But after 7 failed cycles, I can't realistically expect it to work now. I think I will be skipping the charting and OPKs again this month, and for the next cycle as well. It was such a nice break to focus on other things than our infertility.

I booked an appointment at Heartland for January 28th. Dr. K said he wanted to see us back after the 9th cycle, or if we are pregnant. So by the 28th of January, I will either be done cycle 9, or pregnant, and either way I need that appointment. I am really glad I scheduled it now, because his next available appointment was January 10th. If I had left it until the end of cycle 9, we probably wouldn't have been able to get in until March! I just don't want to waste anymore time waiting around for an appointment. I feel like I am running out of time.

Happy Birthday Kiddo!

My brother, Korey, is 10 years old today! I remember the day he was born like yesterday. I am so thankful to have him as a brother. For years I hoped and prayed for a sibling, and I was thrilled when he finally came along. He is sweet, caring and kind and I have passed my love of animals on to him! Yay!


Today we drove up to the island for his birthday, and no one knew we were coming. They were very suprised and Korey was super excited that we were there! It was fun! We just stayed there for a few hours, but I really wanted to share his special day with him!

Love you buddy!!

For The Ladies

Men, you might as well stop reading now.

I have discovered one of the best inventions ever. The ThemaCare Heat Wraps. You know how you just want to lay on the couch with a hot water bottle or heating pad when AF comes for a visit? This is like a tiny heating pad that you can wear around for 8 hours! They are glorious, and I can't believe I didn't try them sooner. They are $9 for a pack of three, but I think it is totally worth it!

Christmas Gifts

This year I decided to hand make all my Christmas gifts. I love doing it, and it will save us money. And personally, I love getting home made gifts! Girls are pretty easy to think of ideas for, but I am not sure what I am going to make all the boys! I have a couple ideas, but I need to come up with some more.

Today I tried out a lip balm recipe. It is called Honey Kisses. I used honey and beeswax from Dahlen's bees! So far I think it turned out pretty good! But it still has to set properly, so we will see!

Clomid #8 Here I Come...

Today is CD 31. I am quite positive that AF will be unpacking her bags tomorrow. Which means Clomid #7 did not work. So far I have managed not to cry about it. Although I did cry twice today, once because I thought too hard about loosing my dogs and once because I am unbelievably lazy. Haha, must be the hormones.

It is easier this month, I think because I didn't get my hopes very high and I was not so obsessed with charting/temping and OPKs. It was much less stressful when I didn't have to worry about that stuff every day.

I am still crushed. Every failure brings me a little closer to the reality that I might never be pregnant. That is a very scary thought, and I have tried not to think too much about it. I still have hope, this is no even close to over yet. I am still convinced an IUI is what we need.

Make that three times, thanks TLC! LOL

Disconnect To Connect

A friend just posted this on Facebook. It is from a different country, but the message is universal!

We Are Not Junk

This past weekend I was at SBC for Impact with our youth. The speaker played this video, and it was really moving. Aren't we all like this with God? We want Him to make us a better person, but we are hesitant because of the pain of His chiseling!

Blessed

It has taken a long time to get to this point. I have seen other people write this in their blogs, but I just couldn't believe it for myself. But now I can.

We have been blessed with the challenge of infertility.

In the beginning, infertility seemed much more of a curse than a blessing. But God has been revealing to me that indeed, it is a blessing. This verse from the last post really hit home.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV) – “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Wow! I need to be thankful no matter what struggle I am going through because it is God's plan. God is in control!

I am thankful for the challenge of infertility because:

• It has brought me closer to my husband.
• I am aware of what millions of other couples have and are going through. If I wasn't experiencing this myself, I could have easily turned into a person that made insensitive comments to people who are struggling with infertility.
  
• I will appreciate my children a whole lot more than if I didn't experience this. Honestly, there is a strong possibility I would have complained a lot about it had it come easily. God knows us a lot better than we know ourselves!
• This has forced me to rely on God and want Him to be the center of my life.
  
• I have a better relationship with God, and a better understanding of Him. I was a whole different person 3 years ago when we first started TTC, and I have to say I like today's person a lot better.
  
• I wasn't ready to be a mother 3 years ago, now that I look back.
  

And so much more I probably haven't even realized yet!

Thankfullness

I guess this has a lot to do with my last post.

It is really hard for me to see people being ungrateful. Especially when it comes to pregnancy/kids. It is like it is a surprising fact to find out that pregnancy is uncomfortable, labor is painful and parenting is difficult. Yet I am not innocent in this. There is SO much that I am ungrateful for, and I pray I can change that.

Psalm 107:1 (NIV) -”Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.”

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV) – “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Colossians 4:2 (NIV) – “Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.”

Colossians 3:15 (NIV) – “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”

Psalm 69:30 (NIV) –“I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.”

Mmmm, those verses are delicious! They are my prayer!

Pride

I have really wanted to write this post for a long time. It is something I have been thinking alot about lately.

I will come right out and admit it, this started out with the infertile in me being upset about what some mothers said. But now that I have been thinking about it, and talking about it with people, it really applies to everything!

The comments that got me thinking about it were "I am so proud to be a mother" or "I am proud of my kids". Especially those copy and paste Facebook status'. When I told Eric that he rolled his eyes, and you might too, but hear me out.

Is it really ok to be proud of anything? Doesn't God tell us time and time again not to be proud, but to be humble? After all: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud". 1 Corinthians 13:4

Eric tried to argue with me that boasting was not ok, but pride was because there are different. But that verse says that love does not boast and is not proud! So even if they are different, neither is a loving thing to do.

Proverbs 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom

Pride is hurtful. It hurts me when I see or hear those comments. Makes me think:

Why are you proud of that?

Isn't it God who blessed you with the ability to have children?

Should you instead be thankful of that blessing?

Isaiah 66:2
Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?" declares the LORD. "This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word."

God is responsible for all the good things in life. If we are going to boast about anything, it should be about God and what He has done for us.

2 Corinthians 10:17-18
Let him who boasts boast in the Lord. For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.

I am guilty of this in other areas of my life. I know I have boasted about my husband a lot. But I still have many friends that are waiting for their Mr. Right (or Mrs) to come into their lives. How does that make them feel when I go on and on about my wonderful husband when they are so longing for one of their own? Probably not very great. Probably hurtful. My husband was a gift from God, not something I deserve or can boast about. I am SO thankful God has blessed with with him. If it weren't for God, I wouldn't have Eric, so all the glory is God's.

Another case is my dog Paris. She is a fantastic at agility, and I was proud of her. Very proud, and I boasted a lot about how good she was. How would that make other people feel with dogs that are much harder to train? They work so hard with their dogs, but aren't seeing the results. I would be discouraged!Instead I should be thankful that God blessed me with a dog that is easily trained, healthy and willing!

Also, I was very proud of myself when I was able to run for 20 minutes. But what about the people who can't walk, who are in wheelchairs, who have no legs, who have back injuries? How would me boasting about that make them feel? Instead I should be thankful that God has given me two legs that can run, and lungs that can handle it!

So lately I have been very aware of my pride and boasting. I am choosing to thank God more often. It has made me realize how many things there are to be thankful for. Sometimes I get so down trodden because of infertility, it seems like I have been blessed with nothing. But the opposite is true. I have many, many blessing to be thankful for, and need to be thinking of what I do have instead of what I don't have. Definitely easier said than done.

Back To Natural

I like to get my hair dyed in the salon. The color lasts way longer, and you don't get dye all over your face. arms and bathroom. However, it definitely isn't a necessity. Because we are trying to save as much money as possible, I decided to dye my hair at home. It is 1/4 of the cost and easier to schedule. And because not dying your hair at all is even cheaper, this time I dyed it my natural color. Hopefully when my roots grow out they will blend in and I won't have to dye it again. Eric keeps telling me he wants my to have my natural hair color anyways!

So here is before, of course it looks way worse because it just came out of a pony tail and my bangs out of a bobby pin!

And after! I love the color. I was born with dark hair, and I like it best that way! Thanks God. :)

EM Cup/Hockey

This past weekend I was in Steinbach with Eric for EM Cup. I love it. I love hanging out all weekend with the other wives/girlfriends and watching my man and his friends play hockey! Our boys had a pretty good team. They lost the firs two games in the last 5 seconds! The first game was tied until the opposing team scored with 4.5 second left, and the second game the other team scored with 0.5 seconds left! They went on to win their third game, but lost their fourth (last) game. You basically have to win all of your games to make it to the final game on Sunday. I think they played pretty well. All the games were pretty entertaining, much better than other years when they got blown away.

Speaking of hockey, I am going to try it out! I have always wanted to play hockey since I was little, but I haven't had the chance. Travis sold me some skates last year, and this weekend in Steinbach I got them heated to mold them to my feet and some insoles because they really hurt my arches! I am hoping it won't hurt too much to skate. This Thursday I am going to practice with the girls team in Riverton. I am so nervous. I have NEVER worn equipment before and I have only skated with a stick once! I am prepared to fall alot, and to be embarrassed. But hopefully after a few practices I will get the hang of it! If not, then at least I gave it a try!

Excited!

I know what you are thinking. Didn't I just post about money issues and now I am going to Disney World? Let me explain.

I am blessed enough to have a job that is sending me to the conference in Orlando. So yes, they are paying my way. And we plan to use Air Miles for Eric's flight. Weare hoping to get the passes for Disney World either for Christmas, or use Christmas money . And we are going to scrimp and save any extra money we have, which won't be alot. But even if we can only go to Disney World for a day, I will take it! I have dreamed of going there since I was a little girl! When I was younger I always watched my friends go, and then I got to hear about how much they loved it, knowing I would probably never get to go there until I payed my own way. I had a choice between Orlando or Las Vegas for conferences. I really have no interest in going to Vegas, so Orlando was an obvious choice!

I am so thankful for this opportunity. It gives me something to be excited about in the near future. It is a welcome distraction from all things infertility.

I Will Be Here In Two Months!

Yep, just like the ticker says. In 2 months, 5 days I am leaving for Orlando where I will finally get to go to Disney World! I have a Veterinary conference in Orlando, so I will be "working" for 5 days, but there will be 5 days left over to do fun stuff! I can't even believe this!