Saturday, October 22, 2011

Today's Struggles

I'll admit, my posts have been a little superficial lately. I haven't really given myself much time to sit down and write a proper post.

Today I am struggling with frustrastion, bitterness and jealously. You think after all of this time I would be able to deal with these feelings properly. I should have enough practice. I probably need professional help. So please excuse me if this post feels rant-y.

I am frustrated because I feel no one understands me. Some people pretend to, but things they say let me know that they really don't get it. I am thankful for their effort to try though.

I am frustrated because I am always waitng. Waiting for 4 whole years. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting for an appointment. Waiting for the test results. Waiting for CD14. Waiting for 14DPO. Waiting for this pain to go away. Waiting for an answer. Waiting for some direction.

Right now is the middle of another baby explosion. It seems that alot of people like to announce their pregnancies in the fall. I already know of about 10, and I am sure there will be more. I SO badly want to be part of this one.

I can't stop thinking about how I can manipulate my circumstances for a different outcome. Like maybe if I change my attitude God will answer my prayer. Or maybe if I pray about this He will. Or maybe if I do this He will. Or maybe if I pray this way He will. Or maybe if I keep my mouth shut He will. Or maybe if I am extra nice to this person He will. Or maybe if I help out that person He will. Or maybe if I pray harder He will. Maybe if I share my struggle with others He will.

I know logically that God doesn't work like that. You cannot manipulate the maker. But I keep letting those thoughts run through my head.

Also I keep letting myself believe that it will be a special circumstance when I get pregnant. Like I will get to tell Eric on his birthday, or on fathers day, or our anniversary or something like that. Or now that we are getting a new place I will all of a sudden get pregnant because of that. Or when my friend gets pregnant I will to so we can be pregnant and have babies together. But none of that has worked out for me either.

I am so helpless. There is nothing left for me to do. I have tried it all. I am powerless. I cannot become pregnant on my own strength or will.

I am so thankful that is not the end of it. I am so thankful that there is a loving God who gives me hope. A hope for the future. A hope for a family. I have done all I can do, and now all that is left is to surrender it to God.

"Take it God. My infertility is in Your hands. I am done trying on my own. "


Anonymous said...

Awe Lindsey. I know EXACTLY how you feel.... and I know that friends may mean well, but they just don't get it at all, and sometimes its best then they say nothing at all except "it sucks". hoping you get your call soon... missing you on the HL boards, come back and visit, we all get it there!

Brittney said...

Oh, wow. I am so sorry you've been experiencing all these awful emotions lately:( They are perfectly understandable, and I can tell you I 100% relate - at one time or another I have felt! Especially the bit about there being a baby boom right now (it does seem to be that way!) I really think infertility can be crippling in all areas of a woman's life..I relate to all those questions you have for God from time to time regarding praying right, etc. too. I have often asked those same ones, both now and when we were trying for a baby the first time around. But - and I am certainly no Godly authority!;) - one thing I can tell you is this: there is NOTHING you can do - good or bad - to cause God to reward/withhold children from is what it is, and it can often be so unfair, without reason. His blessings are sweet and arrive at just the perfect time though. Amen that His timing is always perfect! and that He does have a definite, perfect plan for your life:) It has always comforted me a bit knowing this, because it's meant I can stop driving myself crazy/overanalyzing my actions, essentially punishing myself, simply remembering God ALWAYS has plans to "prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11) Even if nothing makes sense now (and I know it personally never has for me when it comes to infertility), you can rest knowing God is working His divine goodness in your life. I'm sorry you're hurting now, though, and I wish I could be there with you and simply be a sympathetic ear. Take as much time as you need and we (your blog friends;)) all completely understand when you need to vent on here - we all need to do that and thank goodness we have this awesome place to do it! I can say without question we are all here for you as well. You are in my daily prayers, Lindsey! ((HUGS))

Mrs. Hammer said...

I know we infertiles have all been there when it FEELS like everyone is pregnant and when everyone literally IS pregnant. It's so hard to deal with the emotions when this is something that we've longed and prayed for. I too have had the same thoughts about God, if I would just do X maybe he would answer my prayers. But then I have to remember that nothing I do can make him love me more than he already does and I know that he does not intentionally withhold blessings from his children. Sometimes I think the lesson that we have to learn in this process is that we cannot do anything to make it happen. He is the author of life and life will be created by Him and Him alone. It sure has not been an easy lesson to learn and I feel like I still have not got it figured all out. Thank you for being open and 'real' with your emotions. You are not alone. {{HUGS}}

All in His Perfect Timing said...

Ten pregnancies where all the women just "got pregnant when they wanted to" doesn't help anyone's emotion. I can't believe the number! That's insane!!!
I agree. This waiting thing is SUPER hard to do. I want to "change what I do" so God will grant me my baby - the same way you want to.
It just plain sucks that there is no promise of when a family will happen. You're in my prayers!

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