Tuesday, October 05, 2010

More Infertility Stuff

I am tired of writing on two blogs. I have had a private one for all my infertility stuff, but I think I will stop writing everything on there and just write it all down here. I will be going into more detail. If you want to stop reading, that is understandable. I just added a timeline of our infertility history on my sidebar if you are interested. It is the same one that is on my other blog, so I thought I would move it over here.

This last month has been a rocky one for me. 12 days ago I found out that our 5th Clomid 50mg cycle did not work. I mean, the progesterone levels were great, 38, meaning I ovulated so the Clomid did it's job. I just don't understand how I am not getting pregnant if I am ovulating! I am starting to worry that there is something else wrong here.

We go back to the RE next week, and I am going to beg him to try something else before surgery. Surgery scares me and I don't want to go under or get my ovaries drilled into!

I feel like I have been in the middle of an emotional and spiritual battle lately. Most days I think so hard my head hurts. I am really making an effort to do what God wants rather than what I want. I am trying to be thankful for what I have and be content with that. But this feeling won't go away. I want a baby so bad that it physically hurts me. I just don't know how to push that desire aside. I am mourning the fact I will not be a young mother like I had always dreamed of, and that I may not be able to have the 6 kids I wanted, and that this has become so complicated. I want God to be all that I want and need. But this biological clock ticks so loud that I can't help but hear it.

We are starting to look into adoption. It take a couple years, so we want to get the process started now. I would really like to adopt internationally. We are still going to try for a biological child through the whole process. I would really like to adopt whether we have our own or not. There are just so many kids that need homes, but at the same time I know it will be a huge undertaking! Especially when they spend their first year or so in an orphanage.

Right now we are on our 6th and final Clomid cycle. I am also taking metformin, chromium, NAC and evening primrose oil. I am charting and using OPK's. I am doing everything and taking everything I possibly can to give us the best chance at conceiving this time. But my hopes are low. I don't think this will work. Can God make it work? Or course He can! Will he? I am just not feeling it this month. I am *SO* ready to move on to something else. Possibly a different type of medication or an IUI. I guess we will see what the RE says next week.


Anonymous said...

I can feel your pain. So sorry this is happening to you. My experience with HL has been that they like to try everything before moving onto IUI etc... but every situation is different. They may suggest trying femara next.

Stacey said...

I'm sorry you are so discouraged Lindsey :( I don't know what it feels like, so I can't relate.

I do know though, that even if you ovulate, there is still just a chance of getting pregnant. It's not a guarantee, even if you time everything right.

I hope you can figure out another plan of action!

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