I wonder if sometimes people forget about how badly I want a child.
I talked about the things I have done to my body in hopes of a baby. But probably the scariest for me was my surgery.
When Eric had hernia surgery a few years back, something about it terrified me. I knew right then and there I would never want to have surgery.
So when Dr. K informed me that surgery was necessary before we did an IUI, I was pretty upset. I did not want to do it, but if I wanted to get closer to having a baby, I knew I needed to. We could have done IVF without the surgery, but we are not ready to do that nor can we afford that without trying IUI first.
Like I said, I was terrified. I was terrified of going under anaesthesia. I was terrified of getting post op infections or contracting MSRA. I was sure that I wasn't going to wake up. I couldn't shake that thought. I was scared the entire time. When they wheeled me away from Eric and I had to sit alone in the pre op room by myself was probably the scariest part of it all. Scarier still was when they wheeled me out of the pre op room and Amazing Grace was playing, I was sure it was the end. That was the last song I was ever going to hear. I wanted to rip out my IV and jump off the table and go home.
Thankfully God has other plans. He takes care of us. He is our comforter. Surgery, although the few days after were painful, was no big deal. God is faithful.
After that I decided to stop watching TV shows, especially medical ones. They were turning me into a hypochondriac, and I don't need to fill my mind with those thoughts. Especially when I am prone to anxiety.... but that is another post all together!
So in case anyone forgot, I want a baby pretty badly. Badly enough that I am willing do things that terrify me.