When It Rains, It Pours

And I am not even referring to the weather!

I am not trying to complain, really. I do have everything I need to live, and I am thankful for that. But is just seems everything likes to break down at once! Our washing machine broke, our furnace is sounding funny and probably needs to be looked at, the light in our kitchen is hard to turn on and needs to be repaired, the water pump has sounded very angry lately, Clomid #6 failed and our car broke down today! All in the span of a week!

It can really put stress on a person. Thankfully we have a bit of money in savings, but not enough to fix everything that needs to be fixed. I guess God is just trying to get our attention. He wants us to trust Him with EVERY aspect of life, not just babies.

For Clomid round #7, we decided we are not going to stress about it. No OPKS, no temperature taking, no charting. I will take my meds, and we will let whatever happens, happen. We just cannot invest so much emotion again, it just takes too much out of us. We trust that God will bless us with a pregnancy when the timing is right.

On a higher note, Eric left me little sticky notes all over the house. He is gone tonight at a BCBC meeting, and he knows how much I hate to sleep without him even for a night, so he left notes all over to help me feel less lonely. They are all so sweet, pretty much the most awesome thing he has ever done. Funny how simple things mean so much! They made me cry, and miss him even more. Haha.

I Hate This

I got my hopes really high this time around. Too high. Deep down inside I knew better, but I just though if I stayed positive it would make a difference. But surprise, surprise, there is no magic formula. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, what you think or don't think. Sorry "The Secret", but you don't get what you want by thinking positive and imagining yourself having it!

My chart was perfect, so I though for sure it would be my turn this time around. Not the case. And the higher your hopes are, the harder the fall.

I just can't do this ups and downs game any more. I am sick of taking Clomid, has anyone really had success after 6 failed tries? We have 3 more rounds to try before our doctor will let us move on, and I just think it is wasting time. I know God can work a miracle, but I am not holding my breath any more. Maybe you think it is "bad luck" to say stuff like that, but I don't believe in luck. God will bless us with a baby when He is good and ready and there is nothing I can do to speed it up.

I just hate this feeling.

TRU 2010

This past weekend we had a EMC youth leadership retreat called TRU in Pinawa. It was a good weekend. The theme is Train, Refresh, Unite and I think we got that accomplished on the weekend.

Brian West was the speaker, and I really liked him. Him and I have similar world views I think. He had a lot of good things to say. The first night he asked if anyone needed prayer. I so desperately wanted to ask, but I was terrified. Eric was feeling the same way, and he raised his hand and asked for prayer for our infertility. It was hard at first to have that out in the open at the very beginning of the weekend. Of course I cried almost immediately. But it was good to get it out. Lots of people thanked us for sharing and said they were praying for us. We even had a guy talk to us that struggled with infertility for 7 years and now him and his wife have 3 kids. It was powerful, and very humbling. I don't want to burden other people by asking them to pray for me, but I am so thankful to have people I barely know praying for us! I can't wait to share good news with them!

Brian also said something that really struck me. He asked if there was any "tell it like it is" people in the crown. I raised my hand. Then he cautioned us to make sure we didn't have the mindset "Grace for me, justice for everyone else." And it hit me, I do have that mindset! So the last couple of days I have been pondering that, and I really want to make sure I change that. Although none of us are worthy of grace, God offers it to us all, and in that respect we all deserve it equally. No one person it more worthy of it than another person! Especially not me. I want to try to be more forgiving.

As for babies, the TWW kills me everytime. Am I or aren't I? Are these cramps implantation or gas? Is my stomach sour because of something I ate or is it the start of morning sickness? Am I going to the washroom more because I am on prednisone(it does make me CRAZY thirsty) or because I am pregnant? It is enough to drive a person nuts.

The upside of a TWW is that you can blissfully act as if you are pregnant, and it is fun.

Heartland Visit #2

Today we had our second appointment at Heartland. It was pretty uneventful. He told us it looks like the Clomid is working, and that he wants us to try it for three more months. (UGH) But he did add in prednisone, which I have never heard of using for fertility before, so at least we are trying something different. I did a bit of reading and it said that it helps a fertilized egg to implant into the uterus. It also helps reduce the amount of androgen (male hormones) in my system, which is a result of PCOS. If we are not pregnant by the end of the three more months, we will move onto something else. He didn't say anything about surgery this time, thank goodness, but he did say we would move on to an IUI.

I asked him about Femara and he said he only uses it if Clomid is not working for someone. And since Clomid is working for me, there is no reason to use Femara. He said it doesn't work any better than Clomid anyways.

SO.... I am not entirely dissapointed. I am glad to be adding in something else. I am in the middle of a TWW right now, and I am incredibly hopeful that this is our cycle. I guess we will see in a few weeks!

Thankful

When dealing with infertility, it is easy to focus on what I don't have and hard to be thankful for what I do have. But what I do have is everything I need. And for thanksgiving, here is a list of a few things I am thankful for!

• An amazing husband. I thank God for him everyday, because he really is perfect for me. He is kind, gentle, loving, caring, considerate and supportive. I know I am not always easy to live with, but he loves me unconditionally and always forgives my mistakes. I would not trade him for anything.
• A loving and caring family. I don't know where I would be without their love and support!
• All our friends! They are there to listen to our problems, they are praying for us, and they help us build decks last minute when we need it!
  
• My animals. They are my joy! I love being with them, doing activities like agility, running and riding with them.
• My job. I am glad I can work with animals all day long and get paid for it.
• It may not be fancy, but I am thankful for a home to live in that keeps me warm and clean! Even though I don't like our place, I am still thankful to have something.
• I am thankful for my health. Yes I do have PCOS that makes it difficult to conceive, but other than that I am pretty healthy. I am thankful for two legs so I can run, and a heart that can allow me to do it!
• I am thankful that we are able to pay our bills. There may not be a tonne left over after than, but we have enough to live on.

And most of all, I am thankful for a God that loves us so much that He sent his Son to die for our sins. It is because of Jesus that we are set free, so what more do we need?

Keeping Hope Alive

I have been fairly pessimistic about this 6th Clomid cycle. I had convinced myself that it was a waste of time and would never work anyways. Maybe it was an act of self preservation. Usually, the higher I let my hopes get, the harder I fall. So I completely wrote off this cycle, instead focusing on the future and what we would try next.

But something has changed in me the last few days. I am doing everything I possible can think of to conceive this month. I am doing my part, and the rest is in God's hands. I trust him. And with God all things are possible, so what right do I have to completely write off this cycle. Just because the last 5 rounds didn't work, doesn't mean that God can't work His miracles! Of course He can! So my hopes are high. I am excited. I am believe this cycle will be the one. And if God decided it isn't, then I know He will be there to catch me when I fall. He always is.

Also, I have been debating how much to share on my this blog. On my other one, I shared everything because I did not know anyone in real life, so not worries about information spreading. But if I share everything on here, it will be obvious when I am pregnant, even if I don't say it. I am not sure if I want everyone to know 4 weeks in, because with PCOS there is a higher risk of miscarriage. But I would really love to share everything. So for now, if you suspect anything, please don't spread it around until I officially announce something. Thanks!

With that being said, here we are, smack dab in the middle of Clomid round 6 with the craziest OPK positive I have ever seen! Woohoo! Keeping the dream alive!

Infertility Lingo

Eric informed me that he didn't understand a bunch of the abbreviations I used in my second last post and on my side bar. So I posted a list on my sidebar! There is many more I don't use, so I might be adding to the list as time goes on.

My Journey To Fitness: Month 3

Pounds to goal: 69

Acceptable Goal: Do TurboFire 6 days a week for 90 days and loost 20 lbs by Christmas.
Challenging Goal: Run for 45 minutes at a time, run a 5K and not get last.
Ultimate Goal: Loose 71 lbs, win a 5K. To be active every day. To make exercise a habit that I stick to.

What changes I have made this month: I stopped running. It was getting too dark in the mornings, and I am scared of the dark! There was no way I was going to run in the dark! So I ordered TurboFire, which is kind of like Turbo Jam, but intensified and includes high intensity interval training, which is supposed to be the best for fat burning. Actually it is alot like the p90x program, but instead of being focused on building muscle, it focuses on burning fat. I have also started taking metformin again. That in combination with starting to read Thin Within again has helped me to loose the weight I gained back since going off metformin.

What I have learned this month: That I get bored if I don't have a challenging goal to meet. Running wasn't quite as fun when I didn't have a set goal to acheive! I did run for 26 minutes at a time though.

What I want to change next month: Finish reading Thin Within finally, commit to exercising 6 days a week and NOT sleeping through my alarm! I also want to start going to be earlier, because going to bet at 12 and getting up at 6 just isn't cool. I would love to be in bed sleeping by 10:30, I think that is reasonable! I also need to spend less time on the internet, mostly obsessing over my infertility and what I can do to cure it!

Empty Arms

I just stumbled across this video. I could not have said it better myself...

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

More Infertility Stuff

I am tired of writing on two blogs. I have had a private one for all my infertility stuff, but I think I will stop writing everything on there and just write it all down here. I will be going into more detail. If you want to stop reading, that is understandable. I just added a timeline of our infertility history on my sidebar if you are interested. It is the same one that is on my other blog, so I thought I would move it over here.

This last month has been a rocky one for me. 12 days ago I found out that our 5th Clomid 50mg cycle did not work. I mean, the progesterone levels were great, 38, meaning I ovulated so the Clomid did it's job. I just don't understand how I am not getting pregnant if I am ovulating! I am starting to worry that there is something else wrong here.

We go back to the RE next week, and I am going to beg him to try something else before surgery. Surgery scares me and I don't want to go under or get my ovaries drilled into!

I feel like I have been in the middle of an emotional and spiritual battle lately. Most days I think so hard my head hurts. I am really making an effort to do what God wants rather than what I want. I am trying to be thankful for what I have and be content with that. But this feeling won't go away. I want a baby so bad that it physically hurts me. I just don't know how to push that desire aside. I am mourning the fact I will not be a young mother like I had always dreamed of, and that I may not be able to have the 6 kids I wanted, and that this has become so complicated. I want God to be all that I want and need. But this biological clock ticks so loud that I can't help but hear it.

We are starting to look into adoption. It take a couple years, so we want to get the process started now. I would really like to adopt internationally. We are still going to try for a biological child through the whole process. I would really like to adopt whether we have our own or not. There are just so many kids that need homes, but at the same time I know it will be a huge undertaking! Especially when they spend their first year or so in an orphanage.

Right now we are on our 6th and final Clomid cycle. I am also taking metformin, chromium, NAC and evening primrose oil. I am charting and using OPK's. I am doing everything and taking everything I possibly can to give us the best chance at conceiving this time. But my hopes are low. I don't think this will work. Can God make it work? Or course He can! Will he? I am just not feeling it this month. I am *SO* ready to move on to something else. Possibly a different type of medication or an IUI. I guess we will see what the RE says next week.

Say NO To Puppy Mills

I am sick of puppy mills. I am sick of treating poor, sweet innocet puppies for parvo virus that could have been easily prevented with a vaccine. I am sick of seeing them not make it.

I do not know who is buying dogs from these people. You are not "saving" these puppies. You are reinforcing the puppy mill to keep on producing puppies. Buying that puppies dooms many, many more to being born and raised in those conditions. Same goes for buying from a pet store. I know they are cute, but a good breeder would never let their puppies be sold in a pet store! If no one is buying their puppies, they will realize there is no money in it and stop breeding!

Puppy mills do not care for their dogs. They are simply doing it for the money. And they are not willing to spend ANY money on their animal's health. They do not do vaccines, deworm and their animals never get health check. If a pregnant dog is having trouble in labour, they do no want to do the C-section she needs because it is too expensive, and the puppies die inside of her. Then she has to get the C-section anyways. Sometimes it is too late and she dies a few days later from an overwhelming infection. Then that "breeder" is angry with the veterinarians because they spent all this money and have nothing to show for it.

These puppies do not even look healthy. They are sickly, they stink, they have crusty eyes, their coat looks horrible. They have worms. They are disgusting and they make me sad.

This needs to stop. These poor animals depend on us to care for them. They cannot speak and save themselves.

So if you are looking for a puppy, make sure you ask all the right questions. Go to the person's home. See where the puppy has been raised. Ask to see the parents. If it is questionable, report it!

Most puppy mills will not let you come to their homes. Their contact info is always cell phones. They will meet you somewhere to drop off the puppy. They will sell to pet stores.

Listen to me people! For the price you are paying at a pet store for a puppy mill MUTT, you can get a purebred dog, with papers, from an excellent breeder with a health guarantee!

So watch out puppy mills. I am coming for you. And I am going to shut you down.

What We Let Your Kids Do At Youth :)

Eric & Lindsey's List Of Things Not To Say

I like to see the humor in every situation, no matter how bleak. So today Eric and I compiled a list of things NOT to say to an infertile couple. If you have said these things to us or any other infertile couple, most likely they hurt, but we understand you are just trying to help or really don't know what to say. Your forgiven! :)

1. Just relax! - OH REALLY? That is all I have to do to have a baby? Wow, I wish someone would have told me this 3 years ago! (While stress can prevent ovulation, it is rarely the cause of infertility for so long.)
2. But your still young, you have lots of time.- How long are people going to say this to us? Is there an age cutoff for this comment? Having lots of "time" is not going to cure infertility!
3. At least you are getting a lot of practice *wink,wink* - Haha, akward...
4. My cousin/sibling/friend/etc couldn't get pregnant and then they did (insert procedure) and they had a baby. - And that helps me how? I know, I know, you just don't know what else to say.
5. What drugs are you on? Oh... I heard this and that works better. (Meanwhile, no correct drug names are cited) - When did your get your PhD? I guess you know more than my OB/GYN and my REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST. Surely they don't know what they are doing.
6.I had no problem getting pregnant, whenever I wanted a baby, I had one. - Thanks. Would you remind someone who had a terminal illness how healthy and vibrant you are? I think not.
7. Trust God, His plan is always best - This is 100% true, and I would never deny that. But it is not comforting! It is easy for someone to say, when they are not in the middle of a spiritual and emotional battle!
8. Complaining about your pregnancy - Were you not aware of what you were getting yourself into when you planned on getting pregnant? Did no one tell you there would be some discomfort invoved? I would give ANYTHING to be experiencing those things. It is a blessing, and you should be thanking God for every sore stomach, every twitch of pain and every stretch mark!
9. Just enjoy your time alone before you have kids- Minimizing my pain? Nice approach...

I just read a great blog post, it explains my feelings very well! Click here to check it out. There is also a great site where that blog post got many of it's ideas from. Click here to check it out. There are some things on their lists that are not on mine, but I can totally relate to everything they say. I wish I could print those out and give them to all my friends and family!

My Pumpkins!

We didn't plant much in our garden this year, it was mostly weeds. But I wanted to try to grow pumpkins again! I was hoping to get more, but this was my crop! The one on the left is supposed to be one of those giant pumpkins that grow to 500lbs, but I think the weeds in the garden sort of took over! I would like to try again next year, starting with a weed free garden! For some reason I just love growing pumpkins!

Empty Womb, Aching Heart - Book Review

I had been eying this book up in the church library for several weeks now, but I was in the middle of so many other books I thought I would wait. But after a particularly hard weekend, I decided to take the book out, desperate find hope and healing in the pages. I was disappointed. In fact, I think it made everything worse.

The book is a collection of stories from real people, and their struggle with infertility. It just made me sad to read them, and most of them were 35+ and have been dealing with infertility for much longer than I have, and still did not have any children of their own. It kind of makes me panic. It makes me want to get on an adoption list right now.

This book conveys SO many of the emotions I have felt, and that I am feeling. I think it would be a great book for a pastor, or my family and friends to read. It would help others understand what I and so many other infertile couples are going through. It would also be great for someone who wants to know they are not alone. But I already know that because of the blogs and message boards I am part of.

I was looking for encouragement, hope and healing but instead this book reminded me just how serious and hopeless my situation is and could be. I thought maybe it was just because of the valley I have been in lately, but to quote an Amazon review "I do not recommend this book for anyone who is already on the brink of losing hope. This book will take you right over the edge"

Wish I would have read that review first.

My Running Schedule

I did not run at all last week. I just needed a break week. Plus it is dark and COLD in the morning and I don't really want to run in the dark ( yes, I am scared. Coyotes, bears, skunks. Need I say more?). So I might stop running for the season, and get up and do p90x or TurboJam or something like that. I like getting up and working out, it is a great start to the day, and I don't want to loose that routine. Here is the schedule I used to get me to running 20 minutes at a time:

Week 1: Run 1 min, Walk 2 min x 6 sets, run 1 min. (Total run time : 7 min.)
Week 2: Run 1 min, Walk 1 min x 10 sets, (Total run time : 10 min.)
Week 3: Run 2 min, Walk 1 min x 6 sets, run 2 min. (Total run time : 14 min.)
Week 4: Run 3 min, Walk 1 min x 5 sets, (Total run time : 15 min.)
Week 5: Run 4 min, Walk 1 min x 4 sets, (Total run time : 16 min.)
Week 6: Run 5 min, Walk 1 min x 3 sets, run 2 min. (Total run time : 17 min)
Week 7: Run 6 min, Walk 1 min x 3 sets, (Total run time : 18 min.)
Week 8: Run 8 min, Walk 1 min x 2 sets, run 2 min (Total run time : 18 min.)
Week 9: Run 10 min, Walk 1 min x 2 sets, (Total run time : 20 min.)
Week 10: Run 20 min non stop (Total run time : 20 min.)

Let me know if you are going to try it! I would love to cheer you on and encourage you!

Fruit Fly Trap

We have had a problem with fruit flies in our house for a while. I made a trap a few weeks ago, just a half a lime in a glass bowl with saran wrap over it. Just punch a few small holes and flies get in and can't get out. It works great. Then I had the brilliant idea to just make it out of a half of a melon! I always eat melons like this, so it was readily available, and it skips the step with the bowl! It works fantastic! Check out all the flies we caught!

Sharing Sunday

Today was a sharing services in church. We have never done that before, and it was neat. There was no sermon, nothing planned. The whole services was left up to the congregation. It ended up being 1/2 hour longer than normal, and it was great!

Eric and I shared about our infertility for the first time in church. It was hard. I was hoping Eric would do all the talking, so I wrote down what I wanted to say. But when it was our turn Eric barely said anything and I did all the talking. I managed to get through it without crying, but then I bawled when we sat down. I am glad to have shared it in church, we need all the prayers and support we can get!

This summer our church's theme was "Are We There Yet?" and we studied the Israelites and their time wandering in the desert. I could relate to them in so many ways. I feel like we are wandering the desert too, but rather than looking for a land of milk and honey, we are looking for a land of milk and Huggies. (Although we will be cloth diapering, that just doesn't sound as good! hehe)

I have been learning to praise God through everything. Although sometimes it seems like it just can not get worse, and I beg Him to take me home, God IS still present, real and He loves me. He is blessing me, but it is not always in ways I want Him too! Today Andrew shared a song by MercyMe that I love, and today I realized how much it applies to me. It is my prayer:



So Jesus, bring the rain!

My Journey To Fitness Month Two

Minutes running at a time: 20

Pounds to goal: 70

Acceptable Goal: Continue running for 20 minutes each morning and add 20-30 more minutes of exercise a day.

Challenging Goal: Run for 45 minutes at a time, run a 5K and not get last.

Ultimate Goal: Loose 71 lbs, win a 5K. To be active every day. To run 5x a week, strength train 3x per week, and bike 2x on the weekends.

What changes I have made this month: Honestly! Not a whole lot. I stopped taking a certain medication, as instructed by my doctor, and I gained back 5 lbs! I also got a ravenous appetite off the meds, I was just hungry all the time. So I started PGX, which is a concentrated fibre capsule, that helps with supressing my hunger and helps regulate blood sugar levels. So far it seems to help with the appetite, and I have lost 3-4lbs that I have gained. I have been on it for about 2 weeks.

What I have learned this month: That I am capable of running for 20 minutes at a time. It was such a huge goal for me to meet. I can do things if I put my mind to it!

What I want to change next month: Eating more vegetables and fresh foods. I would also like to get in more exercise somehow! I am still thinking of readying Thin Within again. I feel like I am stuck at a weight plateau that i just can't get off of! I would love to loose another 20lbs before Christmas!

And for fun, I decided I was brave enough to post picture. The first is from when I started Thin Within 1.5 years and 23lbs ago, the second I took tonight. I don't actually think it looks that different, but it's a start!! Please ignore my stupid faces in the before pics. I guess I just figured people always look miserable in the befores!

The Finished Product!