Sunday, April 08, 2007

A Very Full Weekend....

This has been such a busy weekend! On Friday we went to the city for one of Eric's family gathering, we left from there in the evening and drove 1.5 hours to Glenboro where some of my aunties were visiting the Coates' for the weekend. We played lots of cards and slept in. We took the dogs with us too. Maeve had a great time with Jennifer's dogs. On saturday morning, I did the stupidest thing and let her off leash with the other dogs, thinking she would stay around and come when the other dogs did. Well, after she was loose for a while nobody could get within 10 feet of her. We tried everything, chasing her, calling her, bribing her with food, other dogs, sticks; giving her a bone. Finally I threw a bone at her, thinking she would sit down and chew it, but she just took off with it. I thought she would run forever in the fields, but she ended up burying it in some hay in the Jenn's horse's pen. So I dug it up and showed it to her. She finally got close enough to me so I could slowly reach for her collar and grab it. I think it took about an hour to catch her. I was so frustrated, i just wanted to break down cuz i had no idea how we were going to catch her. The woman I got her from told me she ran away, but she didn't tell me she was impossible to catch! So Maeve just bought herself a long time of leash time!

On sunday morning we drove 3 hours back to Riverton for Eric's other family gathering, which we just got back from. I am tired now! But I have lots of work to do. In the next three weeks I have almost 12 hours of interveiws to type out, to try and make ourselves an extra 500 dollars, which is much needed right now! I can't wait to go to Europe, but we are going to have to put off alot of things that I want to do around the house until after we go. And that really sucks. We made a budget the other day, and we are really going to try and stick to it, it is going to be hard.

Something I have been struggling with for a long time is my weight. I want to loose weight and be healthy, but nothing seems to work. I try for a while and give up. It is just so frustrating, it is like I am addicted to sweets or something, I always crave them. I am starting the Curves' six week challenge on Wednesday, and I don't know how well that will go. It is so hard for me to stick to something. I am really getting sick of not doing anything and just getting bigger and bigger. Today I was thinking " I wonder if I could loose 20 pounds in the six week challenge",. and the sad thing is, even if i could, i would be NOWHERE near what I want to be. When I was in High School I was 20 pounds away from my ideal weight, now I am more like 80. Just seeing those numbers makes me want to cry, yep here come the tears.... I can't believe I gained 60 pounds since high school, that is just so disgusting. Maybe this is getting way to personal but it feels good to get it out. I just NEED to get this weight off of me. I am sick of going shopping and loving so many clothes but not being able to buy them because i know they will never fit, I am sick of getting tired when I run a little bit. I just want to look good for my husband. I hate seeing pictures of myself or catching a glimpse of my self in a window or a mirror, I don't even recognise myself. But the killer is that I don't feel any fatter than I ever have. My whole life I have always been told I was fat and I had to loose weight, I never felt normal, i never felt thin. Now I look at old pictures of me and think that i was barely fat, i WAS normal! I just don't understand why people couldn't have just told me I looked good, or that I was beautiful. I love my family, but they think that always critizising is loving, they don't realize how much it hurts sometimes, they think they are just helping out. But if someone would have said better things about me maybe things would be different. But maybe i just didn;'t deserve them either, so why would people tell me i looked good when i don't. I know I am lucky to have a husband that thinks I am gorgeous no matter how much I weigh, but sometimes i wish he would care a little more. He would never say I would look better thinnner, but he must think it. He always just says "as long as you are healthy, thats all i care about, i don't care about how much you weigh, as long as your not a bone rack." I know, i know, he is amazing for saying that, and I love that he never calls me down so i should just be happy about it. i wouldn't want a husband that called me fat all the time. Anyways, I think that is enough for tonight. I still have alot of work to do!

4 comments:

Evi said...

Lindsey
I don't know if you remember me from Mennville about 3 years ago now when we were pastoring there. I remember you and have been visiting your blog once in a blue moon.
I can identify with you 100%...
I too, have a husband who loves me SOO much.
I too, have always had a 'weight' issue.
I too, have always wanted to give my best to my husband.
I want to tell you something that changed my attitude about myself a few years back...one that was very important for me to realize.
My husband was hearing me out, one more time about how crappy I felt about my weight. I was even crying and probably even said 'I hate myself' for getting this way. Well, it was at that point that he finally spoke up (which he usually never did because he already knew that when a woman gets that way it's best to just listen...good man)...so when he spoke I was shocked.
He said to me...'I really need you to stop talking bad about the woman I love so much' 'If you have a problem with your weight...that's your problem...do something about it...in the mean time...shut up about it'
It sounds harsh...and at the time I think I sat there stunned. I could tell he was angry, frustrated, helpless and yet totally LOVING.
I was hurting him. By not loving myself for who I was.
Our husbands need confident wives. Wives who can hold their chins up high no matter what we think about ourselves that day. I believe in a way it helps them to feel like better husbands to know that 'all is well' with us. Not in a fake way, but you genuinely need to see his love for you in a way that makes you love yourself. Trust his love for you so much that you believe it in yourself.
This is how it works with God too in fact...modelled in our marriage to our spouse.
I know this is a long comment coming from someone you barely know but I just wanted to let you know what helped me.
Your high-chinned friend
Evi

Stacey said...

I wonder why it is that we all find it sooo hard to deal with weight issues? I agree with you on just wanting to feel good and be healthy. I think going to Curves is a great thing, something that I'n not brave enough to do! I think it's good to start with one thing, and then move on to something bigger. Like Rowan and I went for a nice walk yesterday. Nothing too crazy, but we got some fresh air, and my day just seemed better.

Something a friend of mine just started doing, which she says has been amazing for her family, is switching breakfast and supper around. They eat a big breakfast, she cooks just like for supper. Then they have cereal and toast for supper. Just a light meal. She says they have sooo much more energy and when they tried switching back for a while, they both felt sluggish and kind of sick and lazy. It's not something I can do right now, being prego (I need to eat almost as soon as I wake up, or I feel sick) but I might just try this sometime.

kowalsons said...

Lindsey--I don't even know if you know me at all but I grew up in Mennville/Riverton and I too am struggling with weight issues. I'm also dealling with hypertension that all started durring one of my pregnancys. Anyway--since the high blood pressure I have tried many things and feel like you do--nothing I try is enough for the results I feel I require. Our family is helping a single dad in our community (he has 2 kids, he is also a doctor-not practising at this time though) and he sat me down one day and said--"who cares about your shape and weight, d eerything you can to build a healthy heart and maybe after that work on the weight." So I have taken to walsking-now tat road conditions are not hazerdous. And I need to get back onto my stationary bike. I agree with Evi though, and this is why I am leaving a comment. Our husbands really do end up feeling insulted when we don't love the woman of their dreams, and I think that God is saddened too when we don't love his creation (He says we-humans, were His master peice!!) So--in His grace I try to walk regularly and hope that I can fnd the motivation and dicsipline to get on my bike daily. Praying with you.

Dayna said...

lindsey, first of all- I LOVE YOU! secondly, it's very brave of you to share your feeligns about your weight. i too have really been thinking about mine lately. i've been trying to walk again. in fact, today i walked to jo's for lunch and then back again- ot felt great! i hope i can stick to it, though... and eating smaller portions and less sweets. those are hard, though... anyway, just wnated you to know i read your post and that i say "go for it!" w/ curves and/or w/ anything else you decide is right for you...

i wuv you wots,
dayna

ps- we should walk togetehr sometime! especially sicne we live like 10 ft apart! lol

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