Sunday, April 25, 2010

Weight Lifting

My last post was difficult to write. I had been thinking of what to write for weeks. It took me all evening to figure it out. I wrote, deleted, and re wrote it over and over again. I even saved it overnight and got Eric to read it before I posted it. After all that, I was still very tempted to delete it and just forget about it. But Eric though it was a good idea, and he really wanted me to post it. And I am glad I did. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. I am happy we don't have to keep it a secret anymore, and Eric is probably even happier!

Infertility is a hard thing to deal with in secret. It consumes a large portion of your thoughts, time, energy and prayers. Which is why I started the other blog, and it has been a huge help. But I was more than ready to share it publicly. Seemingly harmless comments like "When are you guys having kids?" or "Are you pregnant or what?" or "You guys have been married for a while, time for kids!" are quite painful when you can't. Our replies have been vague, something along the lines of "Yeah, hopefully soon." But inside, I am just wanting to scream "I cannot have babies. Thanks for reminding me."

Up until a couple months ago, I was very jealous and bitter. When I heard about pregnancies and babies, it was very hard for me to be excited for them. Not because I didn't want them to have a baby, but because with each new announcement it was like hearing "****** is pregnant, and Lindsey is not." I just thought it was not fair. But Eric reminded me that it is not their fault that I cannot have babies. They deserve to be happy and excited, just as we will be when we finally get to experience that miracle.

God has already taught me a lot through this, and I know I still have a lot left to learn. I know that God is faithful, and His timing is perfect. Everything is in His hands, and He does care about the desires of our hearts. Like I said before, I am trying to think positive. I may not have a baby, but I do have a lot of other things. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, we have jobs, we own our home, we can pay our bills, we have food to eat, animals to play with, and we are in good health. God has blessed us.


Stacey said...


Anonymous said...

I'm always here for you Lindsey - your my best cousin. I have faith that you will have a child - it might just take longer then you have expected. Enjoy everything else that you do have and be so very proud on what you have achieved. Love you. x0x0 - Mal

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